. . . As I Assemble My Defense Team

In my last post, I explained my predicament. Now it's time to start putting together my defense team. Here's my preliminary list:

(a) To head up the team, I'm calling on Ted Frank of overlawyered (David Boies was not available, but Ted's just as good; plus he provided a free edit during his last visit to this blawg);

(b) For behind-the-scenes strategizing about the weaknesses of the plaintiff's case, I want Professor Bainbridge;

(c) I hope that expert witness services can be provided by David Giacalone (one always wants the ethicalEsq on one's side);

(d) Sherry Fowler will be employed to protect my family's assets;

(e) Should I be sued in federal court, the Curmudgeonly Clerk will hopefully be available to repair my relations with the federal judiciary;

(f) I'm planning to call on Margaret Marks of Transblawg for her translation services;

(g) Beldar will be consulted the moment it becomes necessary for me to flee to Mexico;

(h) At the head of the media relations team, I'm hoping to install Walter Olson, who will do his best to make the plaintiff and his lawyers feel small, stupid, and unwelcome anywhere in the U.S. (sounds harsh, but remember that's his job);

(i) For the late nights our legal team may have to endure, I'm counting on these guys to provide the beer;

(j) Should I end up in prison, I would like George Wallace of A Fool in the Forest to visit me and discuss books; and

(k) Finally, though I admit this is overkill, I'd like to ask Jeremy Blachman to write the book, TPB to write a slightly-more-compelling fictionalized version of the book, and Jim Dedman to write the screenplay. (The part of my partner, who is also my wife, can be played in the movie by this fine actress.)

So what do ya'll say? With you on my side, I'll show that threatening European guy with his giant red e-mail fonts just what we mean in the U.S. by "overlawyered"!

Comments

[The Bull]

Who will be your goons? You gotta have goons. Can I be a goon? I can always slice him to ribbons with my sharp tongue. I could always threaten menacingly to torture him with heavy weights until it crushes him (we have a 22 lb cat). I gots lots a techniques...you want I should?

[Evan]

Thank you, but if anyone is needed in the role of goon, I will be depending on the guys who are supplying the beer. Also, for the record, I don't think my legal team will need to resort to vigilante tactics. We got the brains.

[Sarah Trombley]

(The part of my partner, who is also my wife, can be played in the movie by this fine actress).

That final period desperately belongs inside the parentheses. I'll leave it to your conscience whether you want to pay me for pointing this out and saving you the shame.

[Evan]

Sarah: The real shame is that no one on my goddamned defense team pointed out the error to me first. Start working a little harder, people! If I'm gonna be paying people like Sarah for little errors like this, how will I afford to pay you?

[Matthew Homann]

Remember, don't spend the money to litigate, 618-MEDIATE. ;-)

[Evan]

Matt: Shameless plugs are welcome here. Emoticons, on the other hand, are very much discouraged. ;-(

[T P B, Esq.]

I'll do a int'l law version of "The Executioner's Song," if you like. Plus, I'll throw in a traditional family law service: mudslinging.

[David Giacalone]

As an expert witness, I'd be honored to tell the judge that you are both a genuine character and a valiant charter member of the no-emoticon club.

As to your needing a goon or two: you might want to list me as "D. Anthony Giacalone" on your witness list, and hope your antagonist takes a peek at this Obituary. (Don't let on that I've never been to Detroit, nor anywhere near the end zone of Giants' Stadium in NJ). On the other hand, I believe that George M. Wallace was living in the Detroit area in 1975. The Goon in the Forest has a ring to it.

[Evan]

David: I'm going to need a little more from you in the expert witness department. What you've offered to say so far is undoubtedly true, but I'm not sure how it's gonna help us win the case . . . Please keep working on it.

TPB: Good to hear from you. The Executioner's Song is certainly helpful as a working concept, but I'm not thrilled about the way that story ends . . . As with David, a little more thought may be needed.

[Bacon]

How come we're bringing the beer? and providing the goons? I swear, you get into a room with people who actually did get into Columbia and you're bringing the beer.

[Evan]

Bacon: Law students. Always grumbling or complaining about one thing or another. Can't you just be happy that you're on the team?

You're bringing the beer because someone's got to do it, and it sure as hell won't be me. (Did you already forget that I'm the client? All I've got to do is sit on my ass, fail to follow directions, then complain about the legal bill.) Quit your bitching or you'll end up on clean-up duty.

[Bacon]

Fine. But it's gonna be Pabst.

[Beldar]

Actually, Even, I've already been there and done that (albeit under Texas defamation law).

[Beldar]

Bah. "Evan." Sorry for the misnomer. Put me down for your summary judgment brief, though, I'm proud to be part of the team.

[Scheherazade]

Evan, your family's assets are safe with me, and I'm delighted to help. Just a coincidence that I'm driving a schmancy new car now, too. Think nothing of it.

[Evan]

Sherry: Welcome to the team! (I've been admiring your car from afar.)

[Scheherazade]

Wait a minute -- the minute I join the team you disband it?

[Evan]

Rest assured, your joining had nothing to do with my disbanding. Even so, I feel bad. I am busily searching for another team for you to join.