Lawsuits Deconstructed #1

Many have questioned the validity of the federal class action arising out of the Janet Jackson brouhaha, but few have fully explained the lawsuit's lack of legal merit. Even those who scoff at the lawsuit assume it might be more than just a stunt, like the CNBC correspondent who issued a worried report analyzing the risks to the Defendants of a loss. So from a practicing plaintiffs' lawyer with experience in class actions, here’s why it won’t work:

1. The claims are moronic. A generous reading of the Plaintiff's Complaint yields evidence of at least six legal theories: intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligent infliction of emotional distress, defamation, breach of a private right arising out of FCC regulations, breach of rights arising out of the contracts between the networks and the class members' cable providers, and breach of an implied contract to class members not to act lewdly on TV. My analysis can be stated without the use of legal jargon: these might be valid legal claims in some other case, but applied to the facts of Janet Jackson's uncovering, these claims are all moronic.

2. The specific application of each of the Plaintiff's moronic claims differs from state to state. The Plaintiff is suing on behalf of a purported class of all citizens who watched the half-time show in any U.S. state. In class action terminology, this is known as a “multi-state class action.” Certification of a multi-state class is appropriate only if the analysis of the legal rights under the law of each state is more or less identical. Except for breach of FCC regulations, that’s not the case here. Thus the case won’t be "certified" as a class action because it’s "unmanageable." (As for the FCC regulations, there is the additional question of whether the Plaintiff has a private right of action for breach of these regulations. I doubt it.)

3. Common issues of fact and law do not predominate. The case is also unmanageable because too many sub-issues would have to be litigated on behalf of each person in the class. In this case, there are approximately 80 million people in the class. That’s 80 million individual mini-trials on issues such as these: Did you, Mr. Class Member, actually witness the lewd act? How has the brief glimpse of the Defendant’s breast affected you? Have you experienced sleeplessness? Irritability? Nightmares? Have you found it necessary to seek professional help? You get the idea.

My reasoned opinion? As a lawsuit, it’s ludicrous. As a stunt, it’s reprehensible. Someone please make it go away.

Comments

[Ernie]

Amen, brother. Make it go away, and take all the other moronic lawsuits with it.

[Christine]

I would like to hire you to represent all those who are experiencing nightmares, sleeplessness, and irritability caused by this assinine class action lawsuit. Specifically, I would like to sue the person or persons instigating and participating in this clownsuit...I mean lawshit, dang I mean lawsuit. I want a cease and desist order placed upon the plaintiffs, to never ever speak or participate in the world again. They are not to view or listen to any media for the rest of their natural born lives. Any offspring they may have must go through strict training on how not to be a moron. Their parents must be slapped upside the head. Their friends may not discuss topics of any nature relating to the world in general or specific. They must go under mind cleansing to erase any and all memories of anything outside of their own explicitly stated experiences but any and all discussions of said experiences must remain as generic as possible and contain opinion whatsoever. I think that covers it.