Evan Schaeffer's Legal Underground

More "Sound Off" From Madison County

I previously explained the concept of our local newspaper's "Sound Off" section here. But the concept's easy: all are welcome to call the paper anonymously, leave a message, then see their wisdom printed up with proper spelling just a few days later.

Today, I have two examples from last week's papers. We'll begin with the mundane then proceed to the histrionic. Is my little town in Madison County, Illinois, really that different from anyone else's?

I would like to tell the people who think the Fire Department always gets there before the ambulance, that it is not true. I live in a senior citizen apartment building. They both pulled up at the same time this morning. Sometimes, they are here before the firetruck.

I love reading Sound Off. It shows how this town is filled with stupid people that have nothing better to do than read their newspaper and complain about everything under the sun. No one in Washington will hear you. No one cares about your political or religious beliefs. Stop calling into Sound Off. You make yourself look stupid.

Come to think of it, I hope that last gentleman never discovers blogs. Then he'd be really irritated!

And I Thought Bubba the Love Sponge Had a Desk Job in Harlem

In news from Tampa, WXTP-FM fired radio DJ "Bubba the Love Sponge" after the FCC proposed a $755,000 fine for Bubba's sexually explicit radio show.

Morning Memo to Defense Team

Good morning, everyone. So far, so good. Since organizing the team yesterday afternoon, I haven't heard a peep from our European friend or his lawyers. Maybe he's just lying low until finding the right time to strike; maybe he's impressed by the quality of the legal talent I've been able to pull together on such short notice. Either way, since late yesterday, I've received no threatening e-mails, abusive phone calls, or unwelcome visits from a process server.

Frankly, my only concern is that I haven't heard a peep from any of you either. I know, I know--everyone's busy. But don't forget that an important issue is at stake: my ability to poke fun at the federal judiciary without fear of reprisal by every bully with an e-mail portal and a lawyer friend. Please be prepared to drop everything on a moment's notice to fly to Godfrey, Illinois, where I'm busy preparing the war room. And you guys from Penn: remember we're counting on you for the beer. (Just don't be telling me any stories about how crime does pay.)

Until next time . . .

And Now a Digression for . . . Baby Names?

Next week, look forward to stock tips; the week after that . . . presidential politics!

Well, perhaps not. The digression for baby names results from the pregnancy of my law partner, who is also my wife (and who I will henceforth be referring to on this blawg as "the Senior Partner," in part to remedy a minor screw-up in the husbanding department, about which more later).

Anyway, the Senior Partner is pregnant with a future junior partner, and we have the solemn duty to give this person a name. The Senior Partner has been consulting 20,001 Names for Baby, by Carol Wallace; I've been consulting The American Language, by H.L. Mencken. My book is more entertaining. For example, in the chapter titled "Proper Names in America," I found a list of these Puritan boys' names that were "brought to America by immigrants to New England": Fear-not, Faint-not, Stand-fast, Increase, More-trial, Joy-again, From-above, Free-gifts, Be-faithful, More-fruit, Hope-still, Sin-deny, Dust, The-Lord-is-near, Fly-fornication, and Praise-God.

So far, all I know about our new baby's name is we're not drawing from the Puritans. A much more helpful source has been the Social Security Administration's Popular Baby Names page. From the SSA database, I learned that "Evan" has moved up in popularity from 72 to 57 over the past ten years; "Andrea" has decreased in popularity from 40 to 51. (Even so, Andrea still gets to be the Senior Partner.)

National Law Journal on Law Firm Website Disclaimers

In the "Voir Dire" section of today's National Law Journal, Gail Diane Cox writes about a "study" I conducted of "long legal disclaimers." It wasn't really much of a study; actually, it was only this post. I'm not sure the post translates well into other media, but I thank Ms. Cox for her mention, which can be found for free at the New York Lawyer. (The National Law Journal's version requires a subscription.)

. . . As I Assemble My Defense Team

In my last post, I explained my predicament. Now it's time to start putting together my defense team. Here's my preliminary list:

(a) To head up the team, I'm calling on Ted Frank of overlawyered (David Boies was not available, but Ted's just as good; plus he provided a free edit during his last visit to this blawg);

(b) For behind-the-scenes strategizing about the weaknesses of the plaintiff's case, I want Professor Bainbridge;

(c) I hope that expert witness services can be provided by David Giacalone (one always wants the ethicalEsq on one's side);

(d) Sherry Fowler will be employed to protect my family's assets;

(e) Should I be sued in federal court, the Curmudgeonly Clerk will hopefully be available to repair my relations with the federal judiciary;

(f) I'm planning to call on Margaret Marks of Transblawg for her translation services;

(g) Beldar will be consulted the moment it becomes necessary for me to flee to Mexico;

(h) At the head of the media relations team, I'm hoping to install Walter Olson, who will do his best to make the plaintiff and his lawyers feel small, stupid, and unwelcome anywhere in the U.S. (sounds harsh, but remember that's his job);

(i) For the late nights our legal team may have to endure, I'm counting on these guys to provide the beer;

(j) Should I end up in prison, I would like George Wallace of A Fool in the Forest to visit me and discuss books; and

(k) Finally, though I admit this is overkill, I'd like to ask Jeremy Blachman to write the book, TPB to write a slightly-more-compelling fictionalized version of the book, and Jim Dedman to write the screenplay. (The part of my partner, who is also my wife, can be played in the movie by this fine actress.)

So what do ya'll say? With you on my side, I'll show that threatening European guy with his giant red e-mail fonts just what we mean in the U.S. by "overlawyered"!

International Incident Boils Over . . .

I wasn't going to post about this. But as long as I'm going down, I may as well go down in flames . . .

Let me bring you up to date. For the past way-too-many hours, a man from Europe who claims to have lawyers all over the world (including Florida) has been trying to get me to remove this innocuous post from my blawg. The post, which was about the Talking Heads, included a federal criminal court decision in which the man's name was mentioned. A few weeks later, thanks to the power of Google on the steroids of blogs, Internet searches for the man's name began to return my post--with its references to the man in the text of the criminal case. This he doesn't like.

Sampling on the Shoulders of Giants

I'll say it again: I'm not all that enamored with DJ Danger Mouse or his Grey Album. Not to worry, though, I'm just one lonely voice that won't be heard over the din of Grey Tuesday. And besides, if you're a Danger Mouse fan, you've got Rolling Stone on your side. It's hard to argue with the magazine that discovered Britney Spears.

If you haven't had your fill of Mouse, there's a good explanation of the copyright issues swirling around The Grey Album at Andrew Raff's IPTAblog. Meanwhile, the very interesting website Wordlab is featuring my post "More Remix Ideas for DJ Danger Mouse." If you want to learn more about Grey Tuesday or the participating sites, see here.

Copyeditor Update

Total spent by the proprietor of this blawg to rid it of typos and grammatical errors: $195. To get your piece of the pie, look here.

Now for the update: Lately, as my eagle-eyed copyeditors have begun to discover even my most minor errors, I've had to add another book to my library--Merriam-Webster's Concise Dictionary of English Usage. (Note to Will Baude: Like you, I also own the OED, but I find it far too cumbersome to consult on a regular basis.)

Why another book? There's a secret about English majors: we really don't know much about grammar. Grammar's for people planning to teach grade school. In earning my English degree, I habitually turned my nose up at grammar; then I kicked it in the shins by choosing to focus my studies on "creative writing." (Please don't snicker. I now have a law degree and can whip your ass.)

Finally, I want to welcome to my group of copyeditors my 14-year-old daughter, who recently spotted a problem with a serial comma. She demanded payment even though I don't pay for punctuation errors. Believe me, it's like her to demand payment. I finally gave in to her argument about the "Oxford comma" and added $10 to her allowance.

Just Don't Let MTV Produce the Half-Time Show

"Poll: Many Americans Support TV Executions" (original link from Drudge).