Memo to the Defense Team Concerning Its Disbandment

Two days ago, I issued a warning. Now I've made my decision. It's time to disband the defense team.

I have a lot to say, but right at the start I should apologize. I realize I wasn't the best client. None of you could have foreseen the way I'd call in the middle of the night, just a little tipsy, to chat about our case or occasionally just to rant. Remember, I was once a big firm defense lawyer myself. I know what it's like when the client forgets you have other cases or becomes rude and dismissive just because he's paying the bills. I know I was a thorn in your side. I know Professor Bainbridge wasn't thrilled when I asked him to carry my briefcase. Ted Frank is probably still upset about my comment during that first conference call to "Shut up and listen for a change."

But it works both ways. Did I mention I was once a defense lawyer? When I worked at this defense firm, I was a master at making the client think he was always right, even when he obviously wasn't. That's why these past few days, I've taken your compliments with a grain of salt. Remember during the second conference call when Walter Olson said that of all the shining lights in the chandelier of the plaintiffs' bar, I was the one who shined most brightly? I smiled, I felt good--but I knew it was all bullshit. Even though it may have been true.

Anyway, I want you to know that you guys are the best, even those of you who tried so valiantly to ignore your appointment to my defense team. And our European bully? Let him take his best shot. I've learned more from you guys in the past week than I've learned during my entire legal career. I'll take him down myself with one hand tied behind my back. (And at a savings of approximately 6,200%.)

Bring it on.

Comments

[David Giacalone]

Please, Evan, no thanks are necessary. Indeed, I don't even plan to send a bill (especially since it would cancel my retired status).

I have every confidence you can defend yourself without co-counsel. The one-hand-behind-the-back gambit is, however, a little too showoffish, even for a p/i lawyer. (I can see the one-handed ligigator tv ads already, as soon as your heavy-hitter campaign ends).

[Evan]

David: One-armed lawyer? Not a bad idea. It would allow me to compete with St. Louis's Brown & Brown, which advertises on billboards and TV. Ed Brown wears an eye patch. It's worked well for his firm. I recently polled a group of first graders; more than half knew about "the lawyer with the eye patch."

My requests of the Senior Partner that she start wearing an eye patch have all been rejected.

[Dedman]

Bills should be sent to which address?

[Evan]

Jim: I am presently setting up a committee to formulate a response to your question about the bill. Speaking on behalf of all of my anticipated committee members, I can say that I am confident that we will be able to respond to your request very soon. In the meantime, please be assured that we are working very hard to come up with a prompt solution to your problem. We hope to be in touch with you again very soon.