Evan Schaeffer's Legal Underground

What Do Newborns Want?

It’s time for an update on Sam, our new baby. He’s only six days old, but he’s already developing some strong likes and dislikes.

• Favorite movie: Barb Wire, starring Pamela Anderson


• Favorite socialite: John Kerry’s daughter, while in France


• Favorite vacation spot: The Grand Tetons


• Favorite singer: Dolly Parton


• Favorite nighttime hangout: PT's Sports Cabaret


• Favorite novel: The Breast, by Philip Roth

It hurts me to say it, but he also has a favorite parent: his mother. Lately, he seems very attached to her. I mean, very attached. I’m trying to unattach him long enough to interest him in baseball. So far, no luck.

A Brief Detour for Short Stories

Nearly every day, the drama critic Terry Teachout makes a point of experiencing some art or literature and posting about it on his blog in the entries he calls "consumables."

Terry sets a fine example. What if you want to follow it, but don't have the time?

Consider short stories. If you're interested, you'll find some good reading suggestions in TPB's post, "On Extended Forecast and Short Fiction." Two of TPB's favorite short story writers are also two of mine: John Cheever and Raymond Carver. (TPB also mentions Flannery O'Connor, but says he hasn't read her, a deficiency he regards as a "monstrous black mark on [his] soul.")

Types of Lawyers #2: The Partner Who Talks Too Fast

Associates working in large law firms will immediately recognize the partner-who-talks-too-fast. From somewhere outside your door, he barks a command to meet him in his office. It doesn’t matter that you were about to leave for lunch. When you arrive with a notebook, he tells you to have a seat. He has something to say about the Smithkin matter. In fact, here’s what he’s thinking: He wants you to write a letter to the opposing counsel. It concerns something very important--critically important--about the upcoming expert disclosures.

So far, you’ve understood everything he’s said. But it’s only at this point that the partner-who-talks-too-fast begins to show his true colors. He clears his throat, shakes his head, closes his eyes. Then without taking a single breath, he describes to you, in complete sentences but without a single pause, everything that he wants you to write in the letter, which if you took it down verbatim would fill most of a single-spaced page. You, however, are only able to get the first line, which goes something like this: “Dear Mr. Aspin: I think it is appropriate that we meet at a mutually-agreeable time to discuss the deadlines for disclosing our respective liability and damage experts.” This much of the letter you are able to capture in your mind, in addition to a few other random, disconnected passages; by the time you set these passages down on paper, however, the partner-who-talks-too-fast has already concluded the final paragraph.

Is the partner's fast-talking the necessary result of a monumentally important man's extremely crowded schedule? Or is it merely a case of showing off? Does it really matter? For you, the problem is much worse: the partner-who-talks-too-fast has just dismissed you from his office, and you have no idea what he did or didn’t say, only that it was critically important.

[Like this post? It's one of many included in my book How to Feed a Lawyer (And Other Irreverent Oberservations from the Legal Underground). Details here.]

Final Score: High-Flying Insurance Exec, $0.00; Naked Dancing Girls, $28,000

Mitchell Blaser, an executive with insurer Swiss Re, has sued the New York strip club "Scores" after allegedly being overcharged thousands of dollars for a night of insurance-executive-style entertainment. According to Reuters, "a Scores spokesman said that, during his December visit, Blaser ordered five magnums of the club's most expensive champagne, a 1990 Krug Clos du Mesnil, for $3,200 each. He also spent $7,000 for lap dances and the company of 12 girls who surrounded him for hours."

Lawyer-Judge-Novelist John D. Voelker

Remember those days in grade school when you thought you were going to do some real work, but then the teacher wheeled a movie projector into the classroom and you realized you were going to get to watch a movie? It happened to me once in law school, during ethics class as a 3L. Only it was a VCR attached to a TV that was wheeled into the room: the professor wanted us to watch Anatomy of a Murder, starring Jimmy Stewart, George C. Scott, and Lee Remick.

Do you know the movie? In 1960, it received six Academy Award nominations. I’m not sure why we were watching it in ethics class, except the professor seemed hung over. I don’t remember much about the movie. But I do remember the book. It was written by John D. Voelker and published under the pseudonym “Robert Traver.”

During his career, Voelker wrote eleven books as Robert Traver. Anatomy of a Murder, an early courtroom drama, is the best remembered and is still selling well today.

In Michigan, Voelker’s career as a lawyer and novelist is quite well known. For 14 years, Voelker worked as the prosecutor of Marquette County, Michigan, publishing his first book during that time. After he was voted out of office, Voelker was appointed to the Michigan Supreme Court, where he wrote over 100 opinions before retiring only a few years later to write full time.

Voelker used a pseudonym because as a prosecutor, he did not want anyone to think he was “spinning yarns on company time.” He died in 1991. For more about Voelker, see this short biography, which was the source for most of this post.

Weekly Law School Roundup #10

This Week: The Extra-Special Indiana Edition, Featuring the Indiana University School of Law in Indianapolis. (Why IUI? First, because I received a nice e-mail from a student there, who informed me of some blogs I didn't know about. Second, why not?)

Which IUI Blog Caught My Attention First? Answer: it was Deb, Hatched. I was immediately pulled into Deb's blog and her story of her battle with breast cancer as a 2L. The story, which is on Deb's website, continues here. It ends with these words: "Maybe by the time I have a daughter, and she grows to be a woman, breast cancer will be eliminated, and none of us will have to worry about it. At least we can hope."

IUI 2L Sent to Afghanistan Phil of Demurrer just started his blog, but it includes an interesting and timely post about a fellow IUI law student, a member of the Army National Guard, who was "selected for the Afghanistan mission and had to report after his last final exam." Wow.

Two to an Office That's how they're packing in the summer associates at the firm where Kelly of Just Playin' is working this summer (5/18). She writes, "In the morning we were sitting around with the summer program attorneys and they were trying to describe what the experience would be like for us. Someone said, 'It's like a summer long rush.' Thrilling endorsement." (Kelly also appeared in Weekly Law School Roundup #6.)

Joshua Claybourn Supports the SBC Strikers On Joshua's blog, he comments that the SBC customer service department has never been better, even though it's being staffed by "scabs." In other blogging news, Joshua recently deleted 300 "spam comments." I wonder if any of the comment spam came from SBC, as may have happened to me.

Who's Guarding the Flanks of the Bell Curve? It's Brian of Confessions of an Exhausted Mind, who wrote in a post called "Grades": "Oh hell I should just start drinking now. Some people are on top of the bell curve. Others, like me, guard the flanks. I'm going to pray that top 50% is overrated anyway." A self-deprecating blogger: they're rarely encountered in the wilds of the blogosphere, but are always very thrilling to spot.

Joey's Engaged to Kia You'll find details on Joey's blog, simple.blue.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers Are Most Like What Insect? In her post "Cicadapalooza," Heidi of Waiting for the Punchline asks, "Exactly what purpose do these insects serve?" She says the cicadas "keep latching on to the walls and trees and they're just disgusting to look at." (And, some say, good to eat!)

Take Pride in Your Hide That's what Kelly of Metaphors of a Magnifico says about her new tattoo. What does the tattoo look like, exactly? Kelly says, "[Y]’all will just have to find out on your own. Let’s just say it is an accurate representation of my metamorphosis FROM schoolteacher to lawyer." Hmmm. Is it a really big book? Or maybe a rotten apple? I'm stumped.

In Other News from IUI Kevin of The Sleepy Sage heads to France; Lawren of Martinis, Persistence and A Smile writes about the "best movie death" of all time (May 21); Grant of Grant in Europe is also heading overseas, and is going to learn some more law in Strasbourg; and Ryan of Stuperman's Kryptonite posts about a lawyer who was recently appointed to represent a dog.

More Information About Indiana University School of Law at Indianapolis You'll find it on Sapere aude, a weblog "written and managed" by the students at the IUI law school. It contains a lot of links, and posts by Joshua Claybourn, Brian Deiwert, Lawren Mills, and Kelly Scanlan. It's also where I found the links to the weblogs in this post.

This Week’s Extreme Wit at the Law Schools Award™ . . . is taking some time off for the new baby (see previous post), and will return next week.

Weekly Report #19

It was after a settlement conference in Ft. Lauderdale that Andrea and I became distracted from the responsibilities of our law practice by a cute little girl walking with her parents along the beach. It got us to thinking, and one thing led to another, and Andrea soon found herself in the predicament described here and here. Since then, I haven't written too much about her predicament, but I have from time to time, so I consider myself duty-bound to tell you how the story ended.

It ended (and began) yesterday at 1:02 a.m., with the safe delivery of Samuel Lamere Schaeffer. Vital statistics: 8 lbs., 4 oz.; 21 inches long. In reviewing a draft of this post, Andrea said I should also be sure to add that Sam is "very beautiful."

Andrea also wanted me to say a kind word about her doctor. I was especially impressed with his ability to maintain a running dialogue about The Bachelor throughout the delivery, including (and especially) during the minor glitches that had me thinking about disaster, tragedy, and heartbreak. The doctor remained calm throughout.

Sam's namesake is my grandfather Sam Nakis, a long-time figure in the Greek-American community who was recently invited, in his late 80s, to tour Iraq with a buddy who's a former U.S. Senator. My grandfather had the good sense to decline, and he talked his buddy out of it too. "Too dangerous for a couple of old men," is what he said, or something like that.

As for the rest of my weekly report, I'll leave it to your imagination.

A Sitcom Waiting to Happen?

"I messed up, Eddie. I messed up bad."

--Ice Cube as Calvin Palmer in Barbershop

Barbershop is a worthwhile comedy, filled with interesting characters and good dialogue. Its drawback: not much happens. Though it seems ready-made for a spinoff into TV-sitcomland, its producers are paving the way for endless sequels instead. Barbershop 2 might be only the first.

By the way, despite the category title ("Last Night's Movie"), I actually watched Barbershop last week. At the moment, my life seems too busy for movies . . .

Advice to Families of Lawyers #1

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

I’m a 15-year-old high school freshman--female, if you must know. My Dad is a lawyer. At least, that’s what he tells people. I’ve never seen proof with my own eyes, I mean like seeing him working in a courtroom or shaking hands with a judge or anything like that. He is very high strung, though, so I guess I believe him when he says he’s a lawyer.

Lately, due to some personal problems, I haven’t been able to sleep very well. Last night, I heard a lot of sniffling-type sounds coming from my Dad’s office. I snuck up the stairs. Yep, he was in there all right. It was 3 a.m. It seemed like he was crying. He was also typing a lot, probably working on his blog. (Yes, my Dad has a blog. How totally embarrassing, but that’s my life.)

The next morning at breakfast, my Dad’s eyes were like all puffy and red. Then without any warning, he picked up his bowl of raisin bran, threw it across the room, and yelled, “I am a restless spirit crying out for help, but no one will listen!”

After that he went up to his office. He’s been in there all week. The entire family is wigged out about it, including those of us who usually ignore my Dad. What should we do?

Signed, Mortified in the Midwest

The Collected Four-Part Examination of the Lawyer's Briefcase, One of an Ongoing Series of Essays on "Things Important to Every Lawyer"

THere are all four parts of the Examination of the Lawyer's Briefcase, collected in one post:

Part I: Introducing the Lawyer's Briefcase

Part II:  Selecting the Perfect Briefcase, Including Tips for Care and Cleaning

Part III:  More Suggestions for Stocking a Lawyer's Briefcase

Part IV:  Matching the Briefcase to the Occasion

And be sure to check out three other things that are important to every lawyer: a Circle of Advisors, a Giant Brain, and a Satisfying Hobby.