Types of Lawyers #5: The Lawyer Who Brings Her Breast Pump to the Office
At first, she was a little hesitant. But hesitant about what? Not the question of whether to pump at the office. Of this, she was quite certain. As long as her newborn infant was determined to maintain his take-no-prisoners hunger for her milk, she was going to do her damnedest to perform as nature intended.
No, her hesitation wasn’t about whether to pump at work. Her hesitation was about whether to return to work at all. What gave her pause? It was the magnificent force with which her newborn baby exercised his tight connection to her heart. It was truly one of the world's great wonders.
But so was the fact that just last month, she was named chairman of the firm’s compensation committee. How could she pass up that opportunity? So she made her decision. A lock was placed on her office door, a lactation consultant was placed on retainer, and a shiny new Medina Pump In Style® Advanced Breastpump was placed in the back seat of her BMW.
Whereas she once took pride in the way she could fill out her skimpy black cocktail dress, she now takes pride in the way she can fill up two 5 oz. plastic milk containers. Sure she looks better than ever in that black cocktail dress, but it hardly registers in her mind. It just doesn't seem important anymore.
What does seem important? Whether that snake Larson is going to end up with six compensation points or only three. And that conniving Steppingworth: should he have three points or only two? Those sorts of things seem important--as well as the fact that another four hours has passed, and she’s about to ruin a second silk blouse if she doesn’t get back to her office soon.
So the lawyer-who-brings-her-breast-pump-to-the-office returns to her office, locks the door, and begins to pump. It’s a time of solemn quiet, with only the gentle whirring of her motherly machinery to keep her company--a perfect time to work out some of the firm’s more difficult compensation problems in her mind.
She wonders if she can reduce that windbag Randolph's salary by half, even as she doubles her own milk production. You bet she can. And they said she’d never return to work. If only they’d been so lucky!
Related posts:
1. Types of Lawyers #1: The Big Firm Summer Associate2. The "Types of Lawyers" Category--all types-of-lawyers posts
It's Medela. Medela Pump In Style. But other than that, pretty spot on. And from a non-pumping lawyer, pretty darn impressive. Whilst I am just a mere associate, I have the lock on my door and am damn proud to say I am STILL pumping, and my baby is now 13 mos old. Oh, and as an associate at big law, I drive a Honda, not a Beamer. But your gal is a partner, so the Beamer is probably accurate too.
Posted by: A Pumping Lawyer | July 13, 2004 at 10:40 AM
Thanks for the kind words. If the post is accurate in its depiction of breast-pumping lawyers, it's thanks to the tireless work of the researchers I pay to get the details right on the Legal Underground.
Not really. In truth, I researched the post myself. As for "Medina," I altered the name slightly to avoid the Google hits from breast-pump shoppers. Surely you understand.
Posted by: Evan | July 13, 2004 at 11:14 AM
Medela. Mydela. Madela. Madala.
[just thought I'd pump up your search engine position -- get them mis-spellers, too. Aren't you reading LexBlog and optimizing?]
[I bet your senior partner helped with the research.]
Posted by: David Giacalone | July 13, 2004 at 08:01 PM
Does that count as comment spam?
Posted by: Evan | July 13, 2004 at 11:08 PM
"That's why I found you don't play around
With the Funky Cold Medina
Ya know what I'm sayin', that Medina's a monster, y'all
Funky Cold Medina"
Posted by: Wordlab | July 14, 2004 at 02:06 AM
Tastes like "comment spumoni" to me.
Posted by: David Giacalone | July 14, 2004 at 08:14 AM