Advice to Law Firm Partners #3

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

For years, I have never had any problem managing new associates at my 1,200-attorney law firm. After all, I am the most senior of the fifteen senior partners. It means that when I walk past associates in the hallway, they literally snap to attention, stopping whatever they’re doing to smile fondly at me and wave. Knowing of my passion for Hershey bars, they often leave bags of them with my secretary. If I’m near a door, they open it for me even if I’m headed in another direction. As I pass, it’s nothing but “how are you doing, sir!” and “good to see you, sir!” And that’s how I like it.

My problem is a new associate named Charlie. Unfortunately, Charlie doesn’t seem to fit the mold. I first noticed him when he rudely referred to me by my first name. I next noticed him during a firm dinner when he interrupted a discussion about the settlement value of an important case. While I was talking at a table with some other attorneys, he walked past and said, “Hey, any of you old geezers need a beer?”

After that embarrassing incident, I made Charlie one of my projects. I began dropping into his office from time to time. To my horror, I learned that Charlie regularly wears khaki slacks to work, rather than the regulation suit and tie. He also wears a baseball cap—turned backwards—and a small gold earring. All of this astonishes me. I asked some of the other senior partners how Charlie gets away with it, but none of them knew the answer.

Two days ago, I decided to ask him myself. When I entered Charlie’s office, he wouldn’t look up from the sports section of the Post. I banged my knuckles on his desk and said his name, but he still wouldn’t acknowledge me. Meanwhile, his “rap” music was turned up so loud that the papers on his desk were moving. After a minute or two, I couldn't take it anymore and had to retreat.

They say it’s impossible to rehabilitate a career criminal. Do you think it's possible to rehabilitate someone like Charlie? If so, how?

Signed, Management-Challenged in Mid-Manhattan

Dear Management-Challenged:

Oh, you poor dear man. This is going to be hard for you to accept, but in stumbling across Charlie, you’ve come face to face with a typical member of the younger generation. I fear, in fact, that your entire firm has become overrun with Charlies, much like your entire city has become overrun with rats. Why haven't you noticed? It's because some members of the younger generation are better at blending in than others. Some, for example, have elevated the business of sucking-up to an art form, learning to smile, give gifts, and open doors for any partner with gray hair and at least one bum knee. But make no mistake. No matter what they’re saying to your face, all of the members of the younger generation are waiting for you either to retire or to die. It’s a sort of law of natural selection that applies to all large law firms. The Young Turks rise up and then wrest control from the Old Dinosaurs. The reason Charlie won’t make eye contact with you is because word has gone out that you don’t matter anymore.

If you think about it for a minute, I’m confident you’ll admit I’m right. All is not lost, however, as long as you can reassert control over your firm by reconnecting with the younger generation. I recommend that you begin with Charlie. Lull him into a false sense of security by getting to know his music. You might consider this unpleasant, but it is a necessary part of my plan. Start your rap-music education by skipping directly to the work of N.W.A. from the late-1980s. From there, spend some time listening to The Chronic, Dr. Dre’s much-heralded classic from the early 1990s. Move on to songs like Tupac’s “California Love” and Snoop Dogg’s “Gin and Juice,” in which you will find the evocation of a mood and feeling far different than that of more traditional crooners like Frank Sinatra and Pat Boone. Finally, advance to the modern era by getting to know the music of Nelly and Jay-Z.

Armed with your new understanding of rap music, you won’t have to retreat from Charlie’s office as quickly as before. Use your new freedom of movement to find the autographed baseball bat that most associates like Charlie leave standing in a corner. While Charlie is busy reading the sports page, grip his baseball bat firmly in both hands. Rather than using your knuckles to bang the top of Charlie’s desk, use the baseball bat to bang the back of Charlie’s head. Swing once, twice, three times. In this way, you will find yourself reconnecting with the younger generation.

Once you’re finished, not only will Charlie be willing to call you whatever you want, but he’ll also be willing to part with his entire CD collection, which you can choose to either cue up or destroy. Once you’re done with Charlie, you can move on to the rest of the firm, reconnecting with the younger generation associate by associate. Follow my plan and you’ll be back in the saddle in no time, even if you have two bum knees.

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

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Comments

[Alan]

I wish you hadn't given him good advice like that. Now I'm going to have to sit at my desk wearing a football helmet while I read the paper. Thanks a lot!!!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Yeah, what's the matter with kids today?