Beyond the Underground

News Flash: Sandra Day O'Connor Bobblehead Fails to Sell

There's a reason why Howard's the best: he gets the legal news first. I wasn't aware until this morning that the O'Connor bobblehead failed to sell on eBay, but Howard reported it yesterday--

Given that there have been tremendous advances in bobblehead technology over the past year, that the Justice O'Connor doll includes hot double bobblehead action, and that the doll depicts Justice O'Connor as she looked many years ago, before she was bonked on the head by a toppled wooden beam at the grand opening of Philadelphia's National Constitution Center in July 2003, I am astonished that the doll failed to sell for more than the Chief's doll, let alone for $200.

My favorite thing about Howard's post is that you can follow the link to the O'Connor doll, click on its head, and watch it make movements like I do after I've just had a haircut. Try it here.

Blue Velvet It Ain't, Although It Could Conceivably Contain Some Severed Ears

I like my movies with a healthy dose of Dennis Hopper. So when "The Madison County Documentary" hits the cinemas, it's possible I'll be disappointed, unless I remember to bring my own oxygen mask.

What's "The Madison County Documentary"? It's the movie version of the tort reform debate, which I first reported about in this post. Though it's being filmed right in my firm's hometown, and I'm one of the town's notorious sharks, I'm still waiting for the production crew to contact my agent. Oh, well. In the meantime, I've been keeping up with the film's progress by reading news articles like one in yesterday's Alton Telegraph: "Lights, cameras, lawsuits," by Josh Stockinger.

"The Madison County Documentary," by the way, is only a working title. I don't think it's very catchy. May I suggest, perhaps, Jaws?

The Tuesday Morning Stock Market Minute

As a service to wealthy lawyers everywhere, I offer the following weekly update on the health of the stock market, as summarized from several sources that I purchased myself at great expense.

• The market is in a confirmed rally, but the leadership has yet to show itself. (Investor’s Business Daily.)
• Although the present situation is “worrisome and risky” due to the uncertain election outcome and threat of terrorism, we could be near a market low, which are "made during times of despair.” (The Value Line Investment Survey.)
• It’s not easy to do, but prudent investors should stay on the sidelines by remaining in cash. (Mark Boucher of TradingMarkets.com.)

My stock tips for the week: First, short the QQQs and go long on gold. Second, stay away from Microsoft. And third, do not invest based solely on my advice. In fact, maybe you shouldn’t invest at all.

Should Judges Be Civil, Just As Is Expected of Lawyers?

On July 21, a federal judge in Texas mocked some lawyers in an opinion that included this language:

When the undersigned accepted the appointment from the President of the United States of the position now held, he was ready to face the daily practice of law in federal courts with presumably competent lawyers. No one warned the undersigned that in many instances his responsibility would be the same as a person who supervised kindergarten.

The full opinion can be found here (PDF). It was mentioned on a number of weblogs, including Begging to Differ, The Curmudgeonly Clerk, and Overlawyered.com. On Begging to Differ, the opinion was said to include this message to lawyers:

Just because the lawyers are litigators doesn't make overly litigious behavior acceptable. Petty sniping and inability to agree on matters that won't affect the outcome of the case are traits that will surely get a lawyer on the judge's bad side. And that just might affect the outcome of the case. It's not just bad manners, it's bad lawyering.

As a lawyer who litigates before many different judges, I tend to agree. On the other hand, I know some judges who, ironically, don’t seem to like lawyers very much anyway. Or perhaps I can put it more bluntly: they seem to hate lawyers. So when I see an opinion like the one from Texas, I assume there might be another side to the story.

[Below the fold: Differing views of the Texas opinion.]

But Make No Mistake: The So-Called Attorney Is a Real-Life, Lawsuit-Wielding, Good-for-Nothing Bully (IMHO)

According to the Schenectady Daily Gazette, a New York lawyer filed a $100,000 defamation action against an unemployed social worker after she referred to him as a "so-called attorney" on a local message board. (Story from David Giacalone at f/k/a.)

Just Try Stealing ATRA's Term: They'll Haul You Into a Judicial Hellhole (TM) So Fast It Will Make Your Head Spin

A recent press release from the American Tort Reform Association (ATRA) included the phrase "Judicial Hellholes (TM)," indicating that ATRA is apparently in the process of trademarking the derisive term.

Past recipients of the "judicial hellhole (TM)" label include Madison County, Illinois, where I practice. Luckily, I had not yet taken the step of adding the term to my stationery and business cards. (Hat tip to a tort et a travers.)

Weekly Law School Roundup #24

Which posts piqued my interest this week? I've listed them here, in no particular order--

Learn More About Some of My Favorite Bloggers At Begging The Question, there are a number of guest-bloggers, and some have completed interesting biographical posts about why and how they blog. Check out these examples from Soupie of Soupie's BBQ & Daycare; Scott from Life, Law, Libido; Energy Spatula of Will Work For Favorable Dicta; Larry of Lonestar Expat; and Mr. Poon of Sugar, Mr. Poon?. These are all posts well worth reading for anyone interested in learning about some different approaches to weblogging. (Not all the linked posts are written by current law students, but I linked anyway.)

Dave! Confesses to Being a Gunner Dave! of Preaching to the Perverted was very accomplished before he started law school, and now that he's there, he says, "When the professor poses a question, my hand just involuntarily creeps up." He better hope this reaction really isn't involuntary, or he'll find his hand in the air when he doesn't know the answer. After that, the pesky hand will have to be amputated. Ouch!

Bekah Vanquishes Bush If only it were as easy as Bekah describes!

Law School Barbie Compares and Contrasts Her Professors As she puts it, "I thought I'd use this post to discuss the various teaching styles of my professors." As for me, I like the personality that Law School Barbie is able to convey through her writing style: honest, genuine, and enthusiastic.

The Weirdness of Blogs Heidi of Waiting for the Punchline explains the feeling of walking past people who she knows only from their blogs. "It's so odd to see them walk by and know that I can know so much about them, but they may not even know I visit."

LawFool Is Looking for Republicans As LawFool complains, "[E]very damn law blog I read, I have to say, points decidedly to Democrat (if choosing between the two big ole parties)." Perhaps LawFool should check out Professor Bainbridge.

Death by Work I noticed a lot of posts this week with a tone like one from Jeremy Richey, who wrote, "I decided today that I am going to work myself to death for an indeterminate period of time. In addition to regular studies, I have a paper that I am required to write for the SIU Law Journal. The only way I know to do both well is to work my tail off. Accordingly, if you accidentally bump into me, please forgive me if I bite your head off."

Weekly Report #33: No Limit Texas Hold'em

During the summer in Madison County, Illinois, neither the Madison County Bar Association nor the Alton-Wood River Bar Association holds its usual monthly meeting. On Thursday, however, the meetings started up again when the Madison County Bar Association met at a public golf course along the Mississippi River in Granite City, Illinois.

It was a typical meeting. Afterwards, however, some of us stuck around to play Texas Hold'em. We played a "no limit" game, meaning that players could bet their entire stack of chips in trying to bankrupt the other players. Since no one thought to bring chips, we played for sugar packets. The pink ones, which were in smaller supply, were granted a higher value.

In fighting for the sugar packets, no distinction was made between the plaintiffs' bar, the defense bar, and members of the judiciary. We bluffed, we attempted to decipher the other players' tells, we tried to drive the better players away with bad jokes. It continued this way for three increasingly raucous rounds. As you would expect of lawyers, some of the participants became very competitive and were determined not to lose.

Finally, we broke at midnight. I didn't leave with any sugar packets. I'm willing to give it a shot next month, assuming someone thinks to bring a deck of cards.

[Below the fold: Other notes about the practice.]

Advice to Young Lawyers #15

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

I’m the newest lawyer in a firm of twenty-five plaintiffs’ lawyers. Last night, I went drinking with the founding partner, Mr. McGill. As the night dragged on, Mr. McGill got drunker and drunker. At the last bar, he got up on a table, did a little jig, then jumped into the laps of a group of twenty-something party girls. (They weren’t pleased, but one of them gave me her number anyway.) About ten minutes later, we were escorted out of the bar by three large bouncers. When the bouncers pushed Mr. McGill onto the street, he literally fell into a gutter.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Springing into action, I asked Mr. McGill to put his arms around my neck. Then I pulled him up. His breath smelled awful, but I didn’t care. In fact, I almost kissed him. “Young man,” I heard him say, “you’re a Godsend. And tonight’s your lucky night. I’m making you a partner.”

When I got to work the next day, Mr. McGill had already departed for his yearly trip to Italy without mentioning my promotion to the other partners. Although I want to tell them, I’m wondering whether it would be better to wait until Mr. McGill returns. It seems like the most prudent way to go, but I’m anxious to get a better parking space. What do you think?

Signed, Buying-a-BMW in Birmingham

Are All Lawyers Arrogant? Are Lawyer-Bloggers the Exception?

Federalist No. 84 of Crime & Federalism says:

As a group, lawyers are the most arrogant subset of society. How many times have you heard someone say, "This is what we lawyers call a 'brief.'" And, "This book is written with the layman in mind." Imagine if your doctor said, "This is what we doctors call an 'aorta.'" Most lawyers are arrogant and annoying. [However, most blogger-lawyers are very congenial and interesting. Quite a divide.]

I’ve certainly met my share of arrogant lawyers. I’ve even suggested on this weblog that a modest lawyer is hard to find. It’s an overgeneralization, to be sure. But if asked what subset of society is most arrogant, wouldn’t most people answer “lawyers”?

What’s the reason for the bad reputation? It's probably because most don’t know a lot of lawyers personally. This would also explain why lawyer-bloggers seem to be the exception to the general rule: they’re lawyers who you can actually get to know, sort of.