Advice to Young Lawyers #14

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

I am a young plaintiffs' lawyer who hit it big doing mass torts. Back when I was poor, I thought that being a multi-millionaire would make me happy. Instead, it’s just given me a whole lot of other worries, like being afraid I’m going to lose all my money.

My friends suggested that I hire a “professional money manager.” The first one I interviewed tried to push an interest-only loan on me so I could buy a boat and invest the principal payments in the stock market. My wife was intrigued, but I naturally said, “Whoa!”

Shortly after that, I made a decision to manage my own money. I’m now in my third week of money management. Given all the problems in Iraq, not to mention the high price of oil, I’m thinking of taking everything I’ve got and selling the dollar short, much like George Soros. When the dollar crashes, I will become a billionaire. What do you think of my plan?

Signed, Thinking Big in Boise

Dear Thinking Big:

As your family’s money manager, you seem to be off to a rollicking good start, setting your goals high so that you can become even richer than you are already. And like any financial mogul, you have learned that the conventional wisdom about “diversifying” is a lot of hooey. If you’re trying to double, triple, or quadruple your money, it won’t be by spreading all your eggs around in different baskets. All that will do is guarantee a standard or even subpar return.

The thing that troubles me, however, is that you turned down a chance to buy a boat. Everyone knows that all successful mass-tort lawyers have boats—the more successful the lawyer, the bigger the boat. That’s why I suggest you tone down your money-managing ambitions and purchase a 200-foot yacht. Only then will you be respected by your friends and lionized by your foes.

Since you are in landlocked Boise, you will also need a large body of water, preferably an ocean, on which to sail your yacht. I suggest moving to San Diego. Finally, you will need to employ a crew of 15 or 20 full-time sailors, who will keep your yacht tidy and assist you when you’re navigating the giant vessel in and out of the harbor.

This is all a very wordy way of saying that your wife was right, as wives usually are. If you still have any money left over after buying your wife the boat she wants, think about an MP3 player for yourself. I’ve really had quite a lot of fun with mine.

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

Comments

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Another thing, besides boats, that successful lawyers have is a new wife. You say that you're a young lawyer, so you may not be ready for a new wife just yet, assuming that she's young as well. But put some of that money away for when it's time for a trade in (you'll also need some cash to pay off the current wife), and start practicing by getting a mistress.

[whomever]

Rufus T. Firefly never fails to be both insightful and hilarious. He may well be the yoda of legal blogging.

[Evan]

As the proprietor of this weblog, I can confirm that the last two comments did not originate from the same IP address.