Advice to Clients of Lawyers #1

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

Last night in a fit of rage, I ran down my lawyer with my car. Unfortunately, he passed away. Now I have to find a way to cover up my crime, but I’m already busy with a hundred other things. Excuse me for ranting, but lawyers are way more trouble than they’re worth.

Let me get right to the point: What’s the best way to dispose of a lawyer’s body?

Signed, Able-to-Rent-a-Woodchopper in Wichita

Dear Able-to-Rent-a-Woodchopper:

Your letter is patently absurd. From your devil-may-care attitude, it’s obvious you’re no murderer. So who are you? That’s obvious too. Your use of clichés like “fit of rage” and euphemisms like “passed away” betray you as an unhappy lawyer trying to bang out a legal thriller in order to escape the practice of law.

The rest of the story is obvious too. In writing your thriller, you became stuck on the second page. The first page, of course, described the murder of a lawyer in a parking lot. But then you couldn’t figure out how your protagonist should dispose of the body. Rather than using your imagination, you came to me for advice. How pathetic. While I can think of a hundred ways to dispose of a lawyer’s body, you can’t even think of one. It must really suck not having an imagination.

Here’s my advice: Forget your dream of drinking Scotch with Jeffrey Deaver and get back to reviewing documents. And you better do it right, lest you find yourself on the receiving end of an angry client’s car.

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

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