Dear Mr. Schaeffer:
My marriage is falling apart. Let me explain. I met my wife exactly four years ago, when we were standing in line to vote at the last presidential election. When I spotted her, I thought she was so striking with her blue eyes and dark hair that I almost forgot why I was there. When I heard her declare her party—Democrat—I almost swooned. We both voted for Al Gore, went out for coffee, and were married four months later.
Flash forward four years. In this presidential election, you can count on me to vote for John Kerry. I had hoped to say the same about my wife. Although she’s been on the fence for some time, I thought I’d get her back into the fold by election day. You can probably guess what happened. She saw that Bush wolf-pack ad. Ever since, she’s been a basketcase. It scared the bejesus out of her so much that she’s gone firmly over to Bush and is threatening to divorce me if I don’t do the same.
I’ll tell you what, Mr. Schaeffer, that wolf ad was a dirty trick. Though my wife is also afraid of spiders and rattlesnakes, wolves just make her crazy, especially the gray ones. I told her there aren’t really wolves outside our house—that the wolves were supposed to represent terrorists—but she just won’t listen. Did I tell you she’s not the brightest bulb in the family’s chandelier, even though she’s a lawyer?
I don’t know what to do. Vote for Kerry and get the boot, or vote for Bush and save my marriage. What do you think?
Signed, Undecided in University City
There’s a reason why they call it a secret ballot. Here’s what you should do. Get up just as the sun is rising, drive to the polls by yourself, and vote for John Kerry. Then return to the house and announce to your wife that you just voted for Bush. If you’re lucky, there might even be time to consummate your decision before she gets out of bed.
As for the wolves, I agree it was a dirty trick. My big fear is presidential-level politicians, and if that Bush commercial would have shown a couple of them lurking in the woods—well, I don’t know what I would’ve done. Thank goodness it was only wolves.
Your friend, Evan Schaeffer
1. Advice to Young Lawyers #2 (Help! My Boss Is a Republican)
2. Advice to Law Firm Partners #2 (Fear of Terrorism)
3. "The Advice Category"--all previous advice posts