Advice to Families of Lawyers #4

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

My marriage is falling apart. Let me explain. I met my wife exactly four years ago, when we were standing in line to vote at the last presidential election. When I spotted her, I thought she was so striking with her blue eyes and dark hair that I almost forgot why I was there. When I heard her declare her party—Democrat—I almost swooned. We both voted for Al Gore, went out for coffee, and were married four months later.

Flash forward four years. In this presidential election, you can count on me to vote for John Kerry. I had hoped to say the same about my wife. Although she’s been on the fence for some time, I thought I’d get her back into the fold by election day. You can probably guess what happened. She saw that Bush wolf-pack ad. Ever since, she’s been a basketcase. It scared the bejesus out of her so much that she’s gone firmly over to Bush and is threatening to divorce me if I don’t do the same.

I’ll tell you what, Mr. Schaeffer, that wolf ad was a dirty trick. Though my wife is also afraid of spiders and rattlesnakes, wolves just make her crazy, especially the gray ones. I told her there aren’t really wolves outside our house—that the wolves were supposed to represent terrorists—but she just won’t listen. Did I tell you she’s not the brightest bulb in the family’s chandelier, even though she’s a lawyer?

I don’t know what to do. Vote for Kerry and get the boot, or vote for Bush and save my marriage. What do you think?

Signed, Undecided in University City

Dear Undecided:

There’s a reason why they call it a secret ballot. Here’s what you should do. Get up just as the sun is rising, drive to the polls by yourself, and vote for John Kerry. Then return to the house and announce to your wife that you just voted for Bush. If you’re lucky, there might even be time to consummate your decision before she gets out of bed.

As for the wolves, I agree it was a dirty trick. My big fear is presidential-level politicians, and if that Bush commercial would have shown a couple of them lurking in the woods—well, I don’t know what I would’ve done. Thank goodness it was only wolves.

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

Related posts:

1. Advice to Young Lawyers #2 (Help! My Boss Is a Republican)

2. Advice to Law Firm Partners #2 (Fear of Terrorism)

3. "The Advice Category"--all previous advice posts

Comments

[Nic]

Don't miss the opportunity to suppress your wife's vote! As you say, she's not that bright. When you get back from voting, tell her that there's a new thing this year called "family values voting," which allowed you to cast a "family vote" for Bush that counts twice. That way, mothers can stay home with the kids where they belong, and not concern themslves with politics--realizing that most right-thinking women rely on the head of the household to decide how the family should vote.

[haikuEsq]

Gosh, Nic, you forgot to mention the Afghani Tribal Values vote [known as Local Warlord Values until the White House spinners found more fitting terminology]-- the head dude with all the weapons gets to tell the whole region, tribe, clan, family how to vote! Much more efficient.

And, Evan, I sure hope the rest of your readers have more common sense than the ones who write you asking for advice. Secrete ballot indeed.

[Tig]

My greatest fear is that SpongeBob Squarepants fella, and that funny lookin' dude is lurkin' ever'where ya look. ~shudder~ Some guy from the opposin' party tol' me Mr. Squarepants was workin' as a poll watcher at at ~see -- I am stutterin' already~ our local precinct votin' site. I am so scared, I jes' can't push myself to get down there an' vote fur anybody a'tall.

[Jim]

Dear Undecided:
Think of your wife as a bank. Every time you interact you are either depositing love units into her bank or you are withdrawing love units from her bank. If you focus on being encouraging and uplifting to her each time you interact your balance in her love bank will increase to the point where she will want to make deposits in yours as well. There is a book named do yourself a favor: love your wife. Brightest bulb comments for example would constitute a withdrawal if she were to hear it.

The whole Kerry-Bush controversy between you and your wife appears to be an attempt on the part of you and your wife to highlight unresolved controversy in your relationship without getting to the real point.

If I might I'd like to suggest a book that truly infused life blood into my marriage relationship of 18 years earlier this year. The book is called "His Need Her Needs" and can be found at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html where you can read Chapter 1 of the book for free.

My advice to you is to vote for the candidate you prefer. Be honest with your wife about that vote and start working on a daily basis to transform your relationship with your wife.

[JFK]

Yeah, think of your wife as a bank--and vote for John Kerry.

[Prof Yabut]

Jim's website certainly proves that not every weblawger is trying to be entertaining (and that they're not all frivolous).

Around here, we say "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy -- so learn to keep secrets, boys!"