Advice to Young Lawyers #16

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

All I wanted to do was have lunch with my secretary. But at my 500-lawyer firm, anyone seen leaving for lunch with his secretary is deemed to be “banging” her. That’s what all the gossips say, anyway, and around here, everyone’s a gossip. It really pisses me off. Why can’t they just view secretaries as the individuals they are—genuine human beings, some crabby and mean-spirited, but others witty and good lunch company? My secretary, whose name is Denise, happens to be good lunch company.

Once the gossiping got out of hand—much of it, I should add, was being done by other secretaries—Denise and I decided we’d have to take evasive action. She’d go down one elevator and I would follow ten minutes later in another. Then we’d meet at our lunch destination. This worked pretty well as long as our lunch destination was more than ten blocks away.

You’ll never guess what happened. Yesterday, as Denise and I were sitting at the bar in an empty restaurant, who should walk in but my wife. There was quite a scene. Apparently, my wife thinks I’m banging Denise too. As I learned later, she got this idea from someone at the firm who told her where she could find me.

Now my wife has moved out. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of just throwing in the towel and asking Denise to move in with me. What do you think?

Signed, Wondering-Who-Gets-the-Dog in Detroit

Dear Wondering:

You're asking me whether your secretary should move in with you? How would I know? Be a man and decide for yourself.

Frankly, I’m really getting tired of stories like yours. Just think for a minute about what you were doing. You were taking the time to eat lunch. Meanwhile, as you were stuffing your face, other associates remained behind at the firm, using the extra time to get ahead of you in the race for partnership. You're a real nitwit. You’re going to lose out to the grinders and get fat too.

My advice is simple: lunch is always a bad idea, no matter who you’re playing footsies with. From now on, eat in your office. That’s why the partners gave you a desk. If you’re wondering why they gave you a secretary--well, it wasn’t so she could make a marshmallow out of you. Have her get busy too. You can worry about your personal life on the weekend.

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

Related posts:

1. Advice to Young Lawyers #12 (Suing the Firm for Sexual Harassment)

2. Advice to Young Lawyers #8 (A Murder Mystery)

3. The "Advice" Category--all previous advice posts

Comments

[Young Associate]

What is this "weekend" of which you speak?

[Nic]

Be careful what you wish for. While your firm might have a don't ask don't tell policy about extra-curricular relationships between lawyers and support staff, few firms would allow you to keep Denise banging away at her desk, when it becomes undeniable that you're banging away at home. Remember, you can always get a new wife. It's not that easy to get a good secretary.

[Jack]

There is nothing to be gained from hanging with your secretary, or any other secretary. Make friends with other lawyers, or even paralegals and the librarian. But do not, under any circumstance, socialize with the secretaries. They will destroy your life by innuendo.

And it is a very tough practice to defend to your wife, who you do not need to piss off whether or not you are going to divorce her.

[Jim Husen (Christian Lawyer)]

It has been my practice since I got married to never have lunch with another woman alone. The inference others, including my wife, reasonably draw from my having lunch or doing any other activity exclusively with a person of the opposite is inescapable.

It is also well known among leaders that there are certain types of people who are attracted to power and live for the day that they can snare one in a compromising position. The motive is not entirely or willfully avaricious but the effect is the same. Kobe Bryant, I think, would advice any married man not to play with fire (See Proverbs 6:27).

[Nic]

Kobe Bryant wasn't having lunch with another woman; he was getting room service.

[Ted]

I might note that attitudes like Jim Husen's create barriers for women in the profession. (For similar reasons, it bothers me when partners talk with associates in the bathroom; women attorneys don't get the same quality of those opportunities as men.)

[-Dave!]

Jim is absolutely right, why, everyday I meet secretaries who are after nothing more than my power and my money. Evil incarnate! They are everywhere! Avert your eyes!

Why, even the *thought* of having lunch with those vile, vile creatures is enough to make one want to gouge one's eyes out with a fork! Think about it... they sit there, looking like they are tying up that client letter or correcting the math on your billing statement... but really, secretly, they're planning the day they can seduce you into lunch, knowing full well it's the first step to that long, downward spiral that leads to you betraying your marital vows because of your weakness and pitiful desires of the flesh.

You don't stand a chance! They are all powerful schemers and plotters, while we, the weak and powerless prey can do nothing to stop them. Wait! There is a solution! Fire them!! Eliminate the temptation all together!!! Quick, call that hell spawn into your office right now and tell them, "Greg, we need to talk."