The lawyer from the planet Og arrived on Earth last month from a galaxy far, far away. His mission: to conduct research for Chapter 45 of Volume 768 of the popular Ogian reference work, The Very Large Guide to Lawyers of the Universe. The chapter's title: "American Lawyers."
The lawyer from the planet Og is very far from home, and his assignment was an unpopular one. He’s not sure why he drew the short ogstraw, but it was probably as retribution for the way he suffocated the entire lawyer population of Andromeda 765. It was a group of lawyers that would have annoyed any sentient being.
Although the American lawyers might not be much better, the lawyer from the planet Og finds them at least minimally intriguing. He has so many questions. For example, why are American lawyers so numerous? On the planet Og, there’s only one lawyer for every billion Ogians. While it’s true that Ogian lawyers have thirty individual brains, all capable of reasoning in separate parallel networks, the American ratio still seems completely out of whack. Could it be that American lawyers have only half a brain?
And why are American lawyers so angry and high-strung? Is it because they think about their day-to-day business using all the wrong metaphors? The lawyer from the planet Og has heard how American lawyers conduct scorched-earth discovery to prepare for trial, use battle-tested litigation tactics to persuade juries, and tell each other war stories about how their cases end.
Is it the stress of their jobs that makes them all so angry? Then why don’t they adopt new metaphors to think about the way they practice? Are American lawyers so much creatures of their own past that they are unable to imagine a different future?
These questions are interesting, but they pose another problem. Although there’s so much to learn, the research must be completed in only 1,589 Og rotations. Yesterday, the lawyer from the planet Og made an important discovery: though their fellow citizens always turn to them in times of crisis, American lawyers are very unpopular. In some circles, in fact, they are even hated and despised.
It’s this discovery that has given hope to the lawyer from the planet Og. That's because the most efficient way to study the American lawyers would be to transport them all to his home planet. And now he knows it’s feasible: when the one million American lawyers are abducted for research purposes, it's clear they won’t be missed. Even, that is, if they’re never able to return . . .[Like this post? It's one of many included in my book How to Feed a Lawyer (And Other Irreverent Oberservations from the Legal Underground). Details here.]