Use by Attorneys of Performance-Enhancing Agents Has Many Crying Foul

By Paul Noonan

Paul Noonan lives and works in the city of Chicago as an attorney and is the editor of the blog The Electric Commentary.--Ed.

The legal world has suffered its largest public relations disaster since the infamous “corked gavel” scandal.

Last Thursday, the law firm of Bonds, Giambi and Sosa LLP was rocked by news that all the named partners had used performance enhancing services (PES) as well as several illegal chemical substances (performance enhancing drugs or PEDs) in the recent past.  The firm, which specializes in labor law, admitted to a Federal Grand Jury that use of the services Westlaw or LexisNexis (Lexis) was prevalent throughout their office, and indeed throughout most offices in the country.

It has long been suspected that PES use is widespread in the industry, as billing hours have increased 25% since the late 1980s.  (The time from the mid 1970s to the late 1980s is known as the "dead bill" era.)

Testifying before a Federal Grand Jury six months ago, Jason Giambi, Esq., stated that he once managed to perform research on ERISA, the National Labor Relations Act, and the Curt Flood Act in a mere 45 seconds using the “Lexis” service after consuming 27 Redbulls just six hours earlier.  This would have taken an attorney up to an hour using “natural research techniques.”

Attorney Barry Bonds was implicated as well.  Soon to be the all time leader in hours billed, Bonds’ “provider” claimed that he made regular use of Westlaw during his career year of 2001 when he billed over 4000 hours. 

The revelation—which was leaked to several prominent bloggers, made its way to Matt Drudge, and was eventually picked up by Dan Rather—has caused a stir throughout the legal industry, as several firms are now contending that the achievements of the tainted firms should carry an asterisk. A few less successful firms, such as the Milwaukee-based Kolb, Jenkins, Overbay, and Podsednik, LLP, and Pittsburgh’s Wilson, Wilson, Mackowiak, Vogelsong, and Snell, LLP have voiced their support for increasing the frequency of testing as well as the severity of punishment for users of PESs and PEGs.

The FBI and the Justice Department have been conducting an investigation into BillCo, Inc., which serves as a major provider of the performance-enhancing drugs coffee, cigarettes, and scotch.  For over two years Bonds, Giambi, and Sosa, LLP has been BillCo’s white whale, wracking up unprecedented statistics while avoiding drug tests due to the Bar Association’s lax testing policies.  Giambi’s testimony is likely to change all of that as public pressure on the Bar Association is expected to be overwhelming in the coming months.

The prolific output of Barry Bonds has been shrouded in suspicion for the past six years, as the knowledge apparently gained through Westlaw caused his head to nearly double in size.  This is a common side effect of PESs and one of the reasons they are considered to be so dangerous.  Another symptom of addiction is the tendency to lapse into Boolean language without realizing it.  When asked for a statement, Sammy Sosa declined to comment except to say:

Americ! +s has +s be! /p very /s very +s "good to me"

Sosa has been hit harder than most by the crackdown.  At one point, he was owner of the second-highest total of hours billed in a single year after his record-setting 1998; he aroused suspicion, however, that he was using during an interview in Student Lawyer:

SL: Why is it that certain members of your firm don’t seem to get along with you?

Sosa: I +s enjoy +p play! /6 “Salsa” +s “at the” and #office

After this exchange Sosa’s numbers started on a downward spiral, which culminated in 2004 when associates Moises Alou and Corey Patterson outbilled him.  Sosa maintains his innocence of any wrongdoing to this day.

Bonds, on the other hand, denied any use of PESs or PEGs until the Giambi testimony (as well as testimony from his provider) was leaked, which forced him to change his story.

Bonds explained, "When I got to law school the librarian showed me how to find cases in the reporters and then how to check if they were still good law by going to the third floor and pouring through the dusty shepherds books.  I got really proficient at it but no matter how many cases I found to cite it seemed that someone else was finding more cases and finding them faster and it was as if they could shepardize them as they went.  They had discovered a little secret.  They had discovered Westlaw.  Everyone was doing it.  If I wanted to compete, I would have to as well."

In this month’s ABA Journal, recently retired attorney Mark McGuire commented that unmitigated use of Westlaw and Lexis in the professional ranks has set a poor example for those in training.

According to McGuire, “The services are so addictive for kids who want to be successful pros, and the providers just hand out services to those in school.  Of course once an attorney goes pro they jack up the prices (sometimes hundreds of dollars for only a few minutes) but by then they have you hooked.  Students are also fiercely loyal to either Lexis or Westlaw.  The Lexis Bloods, easily identifiable by their bright red coffee cups, umbrellas, and T-shirts, routinely take over entire sections of a law school library.  If a Westlaw Crypt should wander in with his blue over-the-shoulder bag, he would likely suffer serious consequences, such as hidden books, fake outlines, or the dreaded 'coffee spill on the notebook.'  And of course the Westlaw Crypts have their territory too.  It’s sad to see it happen.  One of the reasons I quit the business is that I felt I was a negative influence on kids.  I was a user and when I would visit a school I would run into some kid trying to print the entire Federal Register and it would break my heart.”

Public outcry against service and substance abuse is usually focused on adverse health consequences.  Lawyers generally have high blood pressure, don’t get enough sleep, suffer extremely high levels of stress, and skip meals regularly in favor of billing a few extra hours.  This has contributed to a recent rise in health-care costs; many feel that lawyers should face additional regulations in an attempt to keep these costs under control.  Others cite the negative influence on children as a reason to crack down.

One thing is certain.  The public clearly doesn’t want to see these professionals perform at their most efficient levels if Westlaw, Lexis, and caffeine are needed to achieve it.

“It’s no longer like the glory days,” said a concerned student.  “We used to get by with the books and an occasional cup of tea.  Now thanks to all of these modern technologies we’re helping more clients more effectively every year, but at what cost?  We need to take a serious look at these products and think about putting some restrictions in place.  After all, I just got a new set of golf clubs for my graduation.” 

Comments

[Rufus]

Yeah. Okay. I have to praise this.

[Mike]

Moreover, I think that we should be an asterisk by the names of today's top advocates. Darrow, Steuer, Nizer, and Williams did have these PEDs at their disposal!

Also, sadly, the use of PEDs has undermined the public's love and respect for lawyers.

[Brian]

Sorry, but I think it's lame. The story should have been about Indural, Ritalin, Provigil, and other similar performance-enhancing substances.

[D]

"The story should have been about Indural, Ritalin, Provigil, and other similar performance-enhancing substances."

I think that's missing the point. Abusing Indural, Ritalin, Provigil, and other similar performance-enhancing substances is against the law or at the very least frowned upon as it is. This peice begs the question of whether they should be.

[PaulNoonan]

Thanks D, I couldn't have said it better myself. Comparing illicit drug use to illicit drug use didn't quite have the same effect.