Types of Lawyers #13: The Stereotypical Lawyer

You’ve known him all your life. He’s boorish, self-centered, and arrogant. He’s petty and vain. And greedy. And what a loudmouth! Always gesturing with those long fingers--which are very smooth, by the way. He’s the only man you know with a French manicure. 

This weekend, you’re supposed to see him at a party. You wish you didn’t have to. You already know what he’s going to be talking about: his new BMW, or his gold watch, or his jet lease. Or maybe his plans for an upcoming winter vacation, when he’ll be taking the entire family, including an ex-wife, skiing in Vancouver. It’s certainly a discussion you could do without!

That’s why you plan to keep your distance. It’ll be easy to do, too, since you’ll recognize him the moment he enters the room. You’ve seen him on TV, after all. And you’ve read about him in the newspapers, and in magazines, and in the fiction of John Grisham. 

But will he even show up at the party? Now that you think about it, every time you expect to see the Stereotypical Lawyer, he’s nowhere to be found. It’s a mystery to which you have no answer. It’s like . . . it’s like he doesn’t exist at all!  But how could that be possible? 

You’re not sure. You’re stumped. But this doesn’t surprise you much: after all, you always have been sort of an addle-headed moron.

Related posts:

1. Types of Lawyers #10: The Lawyer Who's in the Wrong Profession

2. Types of Lawyers #4: The Lawyer Who Carries Another Lawyer's Briefcase

3. The "Types of Lawyers" Category--all "types of lawyers" posts

Comments

[David Giacalone]

Evan, get out your theraurus: Less than two weeks ago, I called the stereotypers morons at my place. You're the wordsmith. How about finding a substitute slur -- hopefully one that implies an intentional refusal to accept facts, rather than just lack of brain power?

[Abnu]

Evan's busy lining up guest appearances on radio talk shows. He probably doesn't have time to play word games, David. But I do.

simpleton

NOUN: A person who is felt to be deficient in judgment, good sense, or intelligence; a fool.

ETYMOLOGY: simple + -ton (as in surnames such as Chesterton, Singleton).

[Mack the 1L]

Pertinacious twit.
Obstinate ignoramus.

I think that moron is a good word. Using ignoramus comes off as too flowery, and twit doesn't have the same spittle-spraying verve when it's written. Mabye I shouldn't post this.
I think that calling someone stupid stings a lot more than calling someone a bigoted doctrinaire. But maybe that's because I lack strong beliefs.
I really enjoy your blog, Evan.
-M

[Evan]

Mack: Thanks much.

[Mike]

You’re not sure. You’re stumped. But this doesn’t surprise you much: after all, you always have been sort of an addle-headed moron.

Oh, he exists! I met him twice in as many weeks. Here are some goodies:

[At a Christmas party]
He was talking to my wife, who told him that she practiced before the United States Patent and Trademark Office. With a look of disdain he said, "That's the unauthorized practice of law!" She tried explaining to whole concept of, you know, being a member of the Patent Bar to him, with no luck. Besides, my wife does not suffer fools (well, except for me!)

Sterotypical Lawyer then argued with me about whether virtual pornography can be criminalized. It became obvious to me that he had not read Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coaliation, so I explained the holding to him. He still insisted it could be because "child pornography is not covered by the First Amendment." I guess the whole virtual thing (which, along with obscenity, was what controlled the Free Speech Coalition holding) passed him by.

He then started lecturing me about criminal law, telling me that when I get into the "real world," I won't be able to represent "criminals." His lecture went unabated even after I told him I've worked on at least 25 criminal matters.

[At the coffee shop]
I was minding my own business studying for finals while my wife shopped when Sterotypial Lawyer started talking to me about law school and trial practice. I listened for a while as he alternated between insulting me or lecturing me.

He would say, "I'm a trial lawyer. One thing I do is X." Then he would say, "Why am I telling you this? None of this will make since to you." Rinse, and repeat. Finally, I said: "Objection, lack of foundation! You don't know shit about me, what I know, who I know, what I've done. So you have no basis to say what will make sense to me."

He seemed to like that I used an objection and got in his face and we ended up having a very nice talk. It turns out the guy just popped a 3.4mm personal injury verdict and is pretty well known in Los Angeles.

Though he's still an arrogant pr*ck, I was not bothered by him since I realized that his arrogance had a factual basis.