Types of Lawyers #14: The Lawyer Who's on The Apprentice

The first thing you need to understand about the-lawyer-who’s-on-The-Apprentice is that he’s not a lawyer at all. Just watch the show, and you’ll see proof of this about every ten minutes on the graphic that’s added to the screen just below his name.

There it is now. Do you see it? See, he’s not a lawyer. He’s an “attorney.”

Never mind that an "attorney" is nothing more than a lawyer who wants to sound more important than he really is. But perhaps the blame for this little exaggeration should be placed on the producers of the show. If you met the lawyer-who's-on-The-Apprentice for a beer and there weren’t any cameras around, perhaps he'd be a hundred times more modest than he’s been made to look on the show.

But wait! There he is now in the boardroom, arguing with Mr. Trump about what sets him apart from the other contestants. “I’m an attorney!” he’s screaming immodestly. “And all the others—they don’t even know what an attorney does!”

He’s got a point. On the other hand, does the attorney-who’s-on-The-Apprentice know what an attorney does?

Let’s keep our cynicism in check. Of course he knows. An attorney is someone who spends a fortune on law school, figures out he’s made a horrendous mistake, isn’t happy at all, and comes up with an action plan to get himself out of the mess he’s made of his life, to wit: (1) get on The Apprentice or, failing that, (2) get on Jeopardy.

But that’s not all! Attorneys do even more than this. An attorney is also someone who lives in close quarters with other young people, all of them fresh-faced, enthusiastic, and unable to answer the telephone while wearing a shirt (or, if female, in anything but revealing pajamas), and then spends the rest of his day conniving, bragging, scheming, back-stabbing, lying, and “forming alliances”--but never, ever, except if required by the producers of the show during the morning-phone-answering shot, removing his clothing in public.

Now that’s an attorney. And if everything goes well and he doesn’t get fired by Mr. Trump, an attorney is something even more than this: he’s a guy (or gal) who will win the Grand Prize, that is, a chance to work as an employee for a debt-laden real-estate company.

Hoo-ya!

[Below the Fold: Links to other "types of lawyers" posts]

Related posts:

1. Types of Lawyers #10: The Lawyer Who's in the Wrong Profession

2. Types of Lawyers #9: The Lawyer on the Run

3. The "Types of Lawyers" Category--all previous types-of-lawyers posts

Comments

[alex]

Is an attorney who uses the antiquated Esquire at the end even more important that just an attorney? Its interesting to see how many lawyers still use the term. A bit stodgy I think, but it I cant say I wont do it in 2.5 years.

[Yeoman]

I posted on this exact same topic on my blog. Glad to see this comment here, it's exactly correct!

[Evan]

I know you posted about it on your blog--see January 24!!

[Yeoman]

Oops! Sorry. My excuse is that I had deposition inspired tunnel vision, and I didn't scroll down far enough.

Thanks for mentioning it though!