THE STANKOWSKI REPORT #19: In Over My Head with the Plaintiffs' Bar
by Stan Stankowski
Partner: Well, I guess I have to call this asshole lawyer and tell him what I think
of his letter. Jackass.
Stan: It is pretty unreasonable.
Partner: Of course it is! I don't know what he thinks we are going to say.
Stan: He thinks that we will compromise. That might not be a bad idea...
Partner: Fuck yes it is. I will call him after lunch.
Stan: I can do it.
Partner: You think so?
Stan: Of course.
Partner: You know what to say?
Stan: His position is ridiculous for the following four reasons ..... and
just because he has run over local podunk counsel for six months doesn't
mean he will get his way this time.
Partner: I think that's right. Call him. If you can't deal with it,
conference me in.
Stan: I can deal with it.
Partner: You think?
Stan: Yes.
Partner: All right, if you can't call me.
Stan: Will do.
[Interlude: Of course, there is no way in hell I am calling Partner. I would make an offer of judgment, which we clearly have no intention of doing, before I would call Partner. Partner would, of course, help me if I did call, on the other hand, it is very clear that Partner is somewhat happy that I have asked for this. Obviously, this is do or die.]
Stan: Bigelow Worthington please.
Receptionist: May I tell him who is calling?
Stan: Stan Stankowski.
Receptionist: Hold please.
[And so, I hold.]
Bigelow: Yes?
Stan: Bigelow?
Bigelow: Yeah.
Stan: This is Stan Stankowski, from X, Y, Z, and M in [fill in city and
state]. I think you got my letter a couple of days ago.
Bigelow: Oh, of course. Look here, Dan.
Stan: It's Stan.
Bigelow: Whatever. I can't let my client be subjected to this, I am
outraged that you would even suggest it!
Stan: You are outraged that we would want to depose the plaintiff?
Bigelow: In these circumstances, yes! I really can't take you seriously at
this point.
Stan: Fine, I'll just move to compel. We clearly have a right to depose
your guy.
Bigelow: Why would you do that?
Stan: [Admittedly confused. What the hell am I supposed to say? "Ummm, well
people normally depose the plaintiff...." at any rate, he's got me
there.]....<cough>
Bigelow: Well, why would you?
Stan: [Coming to my senses] My client has a right to depose him and that is
what we intend to do. Frankly, I am a little surprised that you are
objecting, we have agreed to fly to [BFE] to take it....
Bigelow: My client has a job and children and he doesn't have time for this.
Stan: Perhaps he should avoid suing people if he can't manage to find the
time to participate in the process....
Bigelow: What kind of smart ass thing is that to say?
Stan: What?
Bigelow: You're lucky I don't file a bar complaint against you! You
sonofabitch!! Belittling my client's livelihood...
Stan: Look, I clearly was not belittling his livelihood, I am just pointing
out that we are all inconvenienced by a lawsuit.
Bigelow: Maybe you are, but this is his life! And his coworkers' lives. Who
the hell are you to--
Stan: I am the defense lawyer, and really, I just want to talk to the guy.
Bigelow: Fuck you. I am bringing this up at the hearing in two weeks, I
cannot believe you. Punks pass the bar and think they can . . .
Stan: What did you say?
Bigelow: I said "Fuck you," your behavior is intolerable.
Stan: What?
Bigelow: You heard me. I know you want to be a tough guy for the higher ups...
[And of course, Bigelow is correct. I want to be a tough guy. I mean hell, I have to handle this. On the other hand, I really haven't been tough. I have just been trying to talk. I am at a loss.]
Bigelow: ... and fuck that, I represent real people....
Stan: Look, I am just trying to set a date for deposition.
Bigelow: ...and real people have lives and you can't respect that...
Stan: We all have lives...
Bigelow: ...maybe if you would wake the hell ...
Stan: Look, agree or don't. If not, I will just file my motion tomorrow.
Bigelow: ...Hey, fuck you man, I represent....
Stan: Eat a dick. Just say yes or no.
Bigelow: Did you just say "Eat a dick"
Stan: Maybe....
Bigelow: I'm calling Partner, he sure as hell doesn't want you working...
Stan: Yes or no on the deposition? [though admittedly, I am about to piss in
my pants. What the hell was I thinking? ]
Bigelow: Oh sure, we can have a deposition. The 17th is fine. It will be
two days after I file my motion for sanctions for unprofessional conduct.
Stan: Great. I will send you a letter.
Bigelow: I doubt you'll be there that long....
[Time elapses. I am worried sick. On the other hand, what the hell? I can only do so much.]
Partner: I see the deposition got scheduled.
Stan: Well, it did but...
Partner: Did you tell Bigelow to 'eat a dick'?
Stan: I don't think that is a fair representa--
Partner: Did you say it or not?
Stan: Yes. But--
Partner: [Scowling] Let's not let that happen again.
Stan: Of course not.
[One day later, in passing by Partner's office..]
Partner: No, listen Harry, then the kid says, "Eat a dick!" Can you believe it? And so Bigelow calls me raising hell and I say "Hey, he's my associate, he just says what I think," and Bigelow is just going ape-shit. I have never been so proud. I taught that kid right. I tell you what Harry, that's what I like to see!
About the Author: Stan Stankowski is the pseudonym of a first-year associate working in a litigation firm somewhere in the South. For more details, read his introductory post, as well as Evan Schaeffer's introduction. The collected Stankowski Reports are here.
Hah. Hah hah. Hahahahahahahahahahah.
Posted by: Derek | October 13, 2005 at 10:03 AM
hahah i love it--no 40/50 year old stuck up parnter would ever say that :)
Posted by: Jenny | October 13, 2005 at 12:27 PM
It's a standard tactic for litigators to attempt to cow junior associates on the opposing side by being so hyper-aggressive and outraged at the junior associate's reasonable request or deposition question that the junior associate backs off out of uncertainty for fear that he or she's violated some unknown norm or rule. I imagine Evan can tell similar stories; I know I can, including the time a U.S. Attorney tried to back me off of what became a successful challenge to his failure to comply with Fed. R. Civ. Proc. 56(f). Some time in 2010, Stan will be defending a deposition being taken by a junior associate from T, U, V & W, and he will issue a lengthy speaking objection that successfully intimidates the opposing counsel from pursuing the line of questioning.
Posted by: Ted | October 13, 2005 at 12:49 PM
uncouth, but hilarious. well played.
Posted by: Eh Nonymous | October 13, 2005 at 12:51 PM
It may be a standard tactic, but it's pretty stupid. What advantage is gained by refusing to produce the plaintiff for deposition? It's not like you can hold off forever. I suppose I could see the advantage of a lengthy objection during a deposition, just to throw the other guy off of a promising line of questioning. But if the attorney doesn't catch on from the timing and strength of your objection that he's on the right path, then he was probably too tone deaf to ask the right questions anyway. (The good follow up question probably isn't in his outline.)
And I don't think the Partner's objection was to the use of vulgar language - just that it was such an awkward use. "eat a dick"? Where'd Stan learn to curse -- a first tier school?
Posted by: mobar | October 13, 2005 at 06:44 PM
I laughed. Hard.
Posted by: Shark Attack | October 13, 2005 at 10:57 PM
this is like the gary benchley (rock star) of law firms. in other words, entertaining fiction.
Posted by: nybar | October 13, 2005 at 11:57 PM
That was a great read.
Posted by: Kim | October 14, 2005 at 01:28 PM
Hi, Ted. I thought it was obvious that I posted my comments here because you posted your incorrect information here. This was not a discussion until you made it one - I posted one time.
You are correct that the minutia of how a wiki works is best discussed elsewhere, which is presumably where you should hairsplit over unilateral editing versus editing by consensus.
May I close by suggesting that your discourse here and on Wikipedia suggests that you would benefit from a crash course on netiquette?
Posted by: WikiLawyer | October 14, 2005 at 06:31 PM
Stan owes me a new keyboard - the, shall we say, pivotal moment caught me enough by surprise that I dropped my soda right onto (and into) the keyboard.
WOW, that was funny!
Posted by: Tim | October 14, 2005 at 06:34 PM
Apologies - I meant to post here.
Posted by: WikiLawyer | October 14, 2005 at 06:35 PM
I'm kind of surprised that Stan's co-workers, at least, did not warn him about Bigelow ahead of time. Keeping everyone up-to-date on which opposing counsel are professional and can be negotiated with, and which are asshats, is an important part of associate life.
Posted by: mythago | October 15, 2005 at 12:07 PM
No freakin way! This was priceless.
Posted by: Matt | October 20, 2005 at 03:12 PM