THE STANKOWSKI REPORT #25: From the Front Lines of a Trial

by Stan Stankowski

Well, Merry Christmas or thereabouts. While many lawyers are taking a little time off after a hectic year, I am in the midst of a trial that has been going on for some time.  This is the perfect chance for me to give a little insight into the frequently yearned after, but seldom gained, trial experience.

Ten facts regarding trials, from least to most important:

(10) You aren’t going to talk. Yeah, it is pretty neat when you first hear about it. A partner stalks in, “All right Stan, this one is going, we need to start gearing up.” And you get excited, here is finally a chance for you to speak. But wait, did you get to talk at the pre-trial conference? No. You didn’t. That is a good hint that you won’t be speaking at the trial either. That would be taking an opportunity away from the sixth year associate who has also never spoken at a trial.

(9) Your clients suck. No, they really do. They may seem nice and fairly innocent, but sooner or later, at some stage of the trial, you won’t like your clients very much. This doesn’t mean you don’t think they are pretty much right, or that you don’t want to defend them. On the other hand, if they got sued and it is still in Court by the time it hits trial, then you, as their lawyer, have seen what is really going on. Sometimes the client is perfectly innocent; sometimes not.

(8) Your witnesses suck. But they suck for a different reason. Mainly, you have to schedule these people. And no, these aren’t criminal proceedings, you are not going to command these people to show up and sit outside from day to day as needed. Instead, you will try to carefully coordinate with their schedule and accurately predict when they will be called. Which is, I think it is very important to note, fucking impossible.

(7) The judge sucks. As everyone is well aware, judges come in two varieties. The first is the judge that is “even-tempered,” has a “brilliant legal mind,” and “administers justice to my clients.” The other is the “lunatic,” who was “appointed by his pedophile step-father” and who “is about as literate as that god-damned stump outside.” It is also likely that the second variety was “a criminal lawyer who thinks he knows civil law,” or “never tried a case in his life,” and  “is fucking lazy” and “doesn’t want to try cases.”  The only difference between the two seems to hinge on whether you are winning or losing on that particular day. Judge accordingly.

(6) Being in Court for two weeks sucks. The food is terrible, the people are half pissed off and half crazy, the guards are obnoxious and the traffic is terrible. That being said, it is one of the most entertaining shitholes in town, so get used to playing poker with your coffee cups.

(5) Trial is far better than prepping for a trial. I cannot begin to describe the horror that is prepping for a trial. Say goodbye to anyone you know for a good long while. Say hello to the nastiest motions and most impossible deadlines you have ever imagined. In all seriousness, in the midst of sucking, this is also a good deal of fun.

(4) If you are winning and the other side is still presenting its case, then you are going to have a good couple of weeks.

(3) Falling asleep in Court sucks. Not that I would personally know, but it seems like that would really suck. Especially when some fucking accountant has been testifying for two hours about a damned formula that no one is contesting, and the courtroom is warm for the first time in weeks, and the vents kick in and it is so soothing and you just nod off for a second and, well, never mind. If that happens to any of you, I imagine that it will suck.

(2) Everything for a month through trial is a huge, important emergency. Really? No not really. But everyone will treat it like it is, so get used to it. While this may seem objectively reasonable, it is strangely tiring after six weeks or so.

(1) A good day in Court is more satisfying than just about anything short of heroin mixed with crack and an orgasm. That may be overstating the case a little. Nonetheless, it is very, very satisfying. You can’t really experience it until you are there, and for one day, just one full day, everything clicks along. Everything is in your favor, everything is in the banker’s boxes, all your witnesses are lined up like chorus girls, and they all say the right things. Warning, I am told this occurs once every ten years. So there you are. I hope you are all looking forward to your first beginning through bitter end case. Despite the hardships,  trials are the things that make litigating worthwhile.

About the Author: Stan Stankowski is the pseudonym of a first-year associate working in a litigation firm somewhere in the South. For more details, read his introductory post, as well as Evan Schaeffer's introduction. The collected Stankowski Reports are here.

Comments

[Richard Campbell]

"get used to playing poker with your coffee cups."

In 3.5 years at GSU law school (part time sucks), which used to have the same vending machine, a full house, Jacks over 8s, is the best I've been able to do.

Screwed up poker too, 6 card stud with wild cards.

[Alan]

Your post either makes me jealous, makes me wish my firm did litigation, both, or neither. I can't decide.

[Christopher King]

That's brilliant! Too many truths there on which to comment, my brother. The only Good Thing about trial in Columbus was that all courts were downtown and near Good Food. I am a Food Addict. Thank goodness for high metabolism and generally good genes (jeans?).

My trials and tribulations (some of them at least) appear here:

http://www.christopherkingesq.com/html/documents.html

Peace.

[mythago]

Move to California. The cafe at San Francisco Superior Court is actually pretty darn good.

[Laurence]

What's great is when your paralegal asks how long the jury will be out, you answer 45 minutes, and that's when they come back with a verdict in you client's favor.