AN INTRODUCTION TO LAWYERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT YET HAD THE PLEASURE OF BEING INTRODUCED: AN ESSAY IN FOUR PARTS
Part I: An Introduction to the Typical Lawyer
First and foremost, a lawyer is a professional, although probably not the kind you’re thinking. Take Smith. Smith was a lawyer, yet he could never be counted on to arrive on time. Usually, he was always at least ten minutes late. While ten minutes is in keeping with the standards of most professionals, Smith would also routinely show up at the wrong place. Frequently, that place was a bar. While it could have been any bar, and often it was, it was almost always a bar that was quite a distance from Smith’s scheduled meeting.
At this point in the essay, it might be appropriate to consider how far we have come. Unfortunately, we haven’t come far. What we have at this point in our “introduction to lawyers” is nothing but a lawyer named Smith—dressed in a sports coat and a stained red tie, loosened at the neck—who happens to be sitting in a bar. He’s having quite a time, too, winking at the waitresses, high-fiving all his buddies (many of whom he just met), and ordering another round “for the house.” He’s completely forgotten his meeting. But as is typical of most lawyers, it was only with the best of intentions. Smith, after all, always demands the best for his clients, just as he does for himself. That’s why for Smith, it’s nothing but single-malt Scotch or, in a pinch, Johnnie Walker Black Label.
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