Beyond the Underground

It's Like Winning the Lottery, Except with an Extra Fingernail

According to USA Today, there's been another one of those unsettling finger-food incidents. This time, a man in North Carolina found a piece of a finger in a pint of chocolate frozen custard. Apparently, he's for real.

The man's first reaction was to scream. His second was to state that he plans to "contact a lawyer."

Now he's hoping to find a settlement check in his mailbox. (Link suggested by Objective Justice.)

Scientists Call the Apes "Bonobos," But I'm Pretty Sure They're Republicans

According to the Associated Press via CNN.com, "eight ultra-intelligent apes" will be moving from Georgia to Iowa where they'll be taught to learn language, music, and art in a $10 million 18-room home that includes "an indoor waterfall and climbing areas 30 feet high." It's all part of a grand research experiment meant to "shed light on their nature and maybe our own."

Heaven Can Wait

According to the Associated Press via WPVI.com, a New York Congressman plans to introduce a bill when Congress resumes in two weeks that would make Anne Frank a U.S. citizen.
 

Please Send His Remains to My Home Address, Where I'll Remember Him with a Nice Seafood Dinner

Sad news from the Associated Press: After a terribly rotten week spent at the center of a media circus, Bubba the Giant Lobster has passed away at a Pittsburgh zoo.

By all accounts, Bubba was a kind, gentle, and caring lobster, really more of a sensation than a crustacean. He'll be missed.

Meanwhile, at the White House, The Tort-Reformer-In-Chief Is Mulling Legislation That Would Make All Small-Claims Actions Automatically Removable to Federal Court

For four days, good-hearted citizens across the land have been expressing shock and outrage about the two girls who were sued by a neighbor for delivering cookies as a gift--and lost, to the tune of nine hundred big ones.

But today, the country can rest easy: as a result of their unfathomable loss in a Denver small-claims court, not only are the girls receiving offers to appear on TV, but people across the country are sending them money to show their support.

I know I'll be sleeping better.

The Real Tragedy Is That In His Mixed-Up Mind, the Teddy Bear Thinks He's Angelina Jolie

According to the BBC News, as well as other news sources around the world, mental health advocates are protesting the Vermont Teddy Bear Company's "Crazy About You" teddy bear, which is wearing a straightjacket and comes with its own commitment papers.

Meanwhile, the president of the Vermont Teddy Bear Company has apologized for the Valentine's Day bear, but will continue to sell it because the right to "free expression" is at stake. 

You can own one of the cuddly symbols of freedom yourself for only $69.95. Shipping not included.

The United States of America: Where All Asses Are Created Equal

On a recent episode of "Family Guy," Fox executives, worried about reaction from the FCC, electronically blurred a cartoon character's naked rear end.

One More Reason to Buy a TIVO

The cable network E! announced that it will broadcast daily re-enactments of the Michael Jackson trial, featuring actors reading from trial transcripts.

I Theorize That John Schwartz Has a Tendency Towards Overgeneralization

In an article about weblogs in the New York Times today, reporter John Schwartz notes the "blogosphere's tendency toward crackpot theorizing."

The Real Crime Is All Those Federal Judges Sporting Superman Underwear

In Alabama, where state-court judge Ashley McKathan is under fire for decorating his judicial robe with the Ten Commandments, the Demopolis Times has published an editorial defending his attire.