The Legal Underground

Types of Lawyers #7: The Modest Lawyer

Is the modest lawyer a myth?  That’s the conventional wisdom.  Yet once or twice each year, rumors begin to circulate of yet another sighting of this silent and mysterious man.  Three years ago, he was spotted emerging from a portable restroom at a county fair.  Another time he was seen helping a small child unhook a bluegill at a lake in Mississippi.  Once he was seen high on a mountain in Colorado, searching for a pass during a thunderstorm.

Despite the frequency of the sightings, only three details remain consistent:  the modest lawyer vanishes quickly, leaves no trace, and always remains nameless.  Yet it’s possible to speculate about some of his other defining characteristics, and many have done so. There was a theory put forward by a professor at Harvard Law School that the modest lawyer probably graduated from that esteemed institution.  Another theory held that the modest lawyer most likely hailed from Texas.  Both of these theories were obviously flawed, but others have been less controversial: that the modest lawyer has never appeared on a cable TV news program, for example, or that he most certainly doesn’t have a weblog. 

More enduring than any other mystery, though, is this:  What is it about the modest lawyer that makes him so notably modest?  Could it be that he failed to receive an adequate helping of love from his parents, such that he regards it as normal to downplay his own accomplishments?  Could his personality defects be the result of a sudden and unexpected blow to the head?  Has he been possessed by demons?

Only calamitous events like these can explain how the modest lawyer, even if he were to have the good fortune of owning the latest model of BMW’s largest sedan, wouldn’t find it necessary to work this news into every conversation.  A mystery, indeed!  It’s such a mystery, in fact, that the modest lawyer is doomed to remain the circus freak of the legal profession.  If he’s ever identified, tranquilized, and bagged, he’ll be exhibited far and wide, a living testament to the unusual oxymoron that gives him his name: the modest lawyer. 

But the modest lawyer will never be identified.  If he’s invisible, he’s invisible by choice.  It shouldn’t surprise you, in fact, that the modest lawyer might be standing right next to you at this very moment, waiting to initiate a conference call, hand in an assignment, or accompany you to lunch.  If this describes you, consider yourself lucky.  Most don’t ever get so close to the modest lawyer.  Introduce yourself if you must, but don’t blow his cover.  That's the way he'd want it.

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Types of Lawyers #6: The Mafia Lawyer

If it weren’t for the attention paid to him by gossip columnists, you might not even know he’s a Mafia lawyer. He looks ordinary enough. He even admits to being ordinary. When the gossip columnists interrupt him at dinner, he tells them the Mafia is an invention of reporters who don’t have enough to do. “The Mafia’s not real,” he tells them. “I’m nothing but an average Joe.”

Can you blame the Mafia lawyer for being modest? It’s a defense mechanism he’s developed after all these years of living in the limelight. Law schools invite him to give lectures, and he does—only he never talks about the Mafia. He’s never even said the M-word, if you want to know to truth.

But does it really matter? When the lectures end, the law students and their professors gather around and pepper him with questions anyway. It’s dizzying, the questions they ask: How can I get started as a Mafia lawyer? Will it matter whether I graduated from a Tier 1 school? How does the Mafia feel about law review? What if I’ve been tenured?

They just don’t get it. It’s enough to make him want to put his fist through a wall. But at cocktail parties, putting his fist through a wall’s not enough: there he’s thinking about putting heads in vices. Did you ever meet Al Capone? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa’s buried? Can you get me an audition on The Sopranos?

The Mafia lawyer is tired of being famous. What he wants most is a long ski vacation in the Alps. After a hard day on the slopes, he’ll retire to the lodge and loosen his boots in front of the fire. He’ll chat with the other guests. They’ll talk about ski gear and Scotch. He won’t even need to worry about whether his gun is loaded.

Here’s the sad reality: the Mafia lawyer is tired. Very tired. Everyone thinks his life is so glamorous, but he’s got problems you can’t even imagine. His clients give him no room for error. He hears it himself, straight from the top. Don’t fuck up, they tell him. Not this time. You don’t want to be fish bait, do you?

That’s a question the Mafia lawyer really hates to hear. And they say his life is glamorous? Fuggedaboutit.

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Types of Lawyers #5: The Lawyer Who Brings Her Breast Pump to the Office

At first, she was a little hesitant. But hesitant about what? Not the question of whether to pump at the office. Of this, she was quite certain. As long as her newborn infant was determined to maintain his take-no-prisoners hunger for her milk, she was going to do her damnedest to perform as nature intended.

No, her hesitation wasn’t about whether to pump at work. Her hesitation was about whether to return to work at all. What gave her pause? It was the magnificent force with which her newborn baby exercised his tight connection to her heart. It was truly one of the world's great wonders.

But so was the fact that just last month, she was named chairman of the firm’s compensation committee. How could she pass up that opportunity? So she made her decision. A lock was placed on her office door, a lactation consultant was placed on retainer, and a shiny new Medina Pump In Style® Advanced Breastpump was placed in the back seat of her BMW.

Types of Lawyers #4: The Lawyer Who Carries Another Lawyer’s Briefcase

It always begins innocently enough. “You’re coming with me to court,” the partner says to the associate. The associate, of course, cannot believe his good fortune. But then the partner completes his thought. “I need someone to carry my briefcase.”

Can you blame the associate for being confused? The partner is heading towards the elevator with empty hands, and the briefcase is sitting on the floor. Should the associate pick it up? He’s not sure. Though he received good marks at his last review for being a “team player,” he’s never thought of himself as a pack mule. What a dilemma! Figuring he has no choice, he picks up the briefcase and dashes for the elevator. 

And that’s how it happens. That’s how a proud and well-respected associate can be changed as quickly as a gunshot into the lawyer-who-carries-another-lawyer’s-briefcase. 

Should we pity the poor associate? To be sure, he could have told the partner no. Had he done it, the partner might have come to his senses, blushed slightly, and apologized for treating the associate as his personal valet. But the associate didn’t object, and he picked up the briefcase, and now his career will take a different path. Having carried the briefcase, it won’t be long before he’s assigned to buy a birthday present for the partner’s wife. The week after that, he’ll be ordered to take the partner’s shoes to be resoled. Before the month is out, the associate will either be cleaning the law firm’s toilets or supervising a two-year document review in Omaha.

Will any good come from this sad tale? Perhaps. At some point, the lawyer-who-carries-another-lawyer’s-briefcase will shake off the stigma of having carried another lawyer’s briefcase. By this time, he’ll probably be a partner himself. And one day, completely without warning, he’ll face a second test of his moral character. He’ll be rushing off to court. In his hand, he’ll be clutching a briefcase. There’ll be a moment’s hesitation as he turns to his associate. He’ll clear his throat, begin to say something . . .   

Will he hand the briefcase to his associate? It’s impossible to say. For the sake of the profession, let’s pray the answer is no. 

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Types of Lawyers #3: The Lawyer Who Advertises on TV

Sure he seems a little stiff. He’s a lawyer, for God’s sake, not an actor. So don’t be too hard on him when he seems a little uncertain about what to do with his hands. Perhaps he should put them in his pockets, perhaps he should use them to touch his well-groomed hair, perhaps he should get them out of the way by crossing his arms--but enough! He’s concentrating too hard already.

If you look closely, you’ll see proof of his concentration in the way his eyes are darting back and forth like a school of tiny minnows making its way upstream. You knew he was reading from a script, didn’t you? Actors might memorize their lines, but the lawyer-who-advertises-on-TV doesn’t have to. Don’t think for a moment that he hasn’t thought it through himself, considering the issue from every angle. If the lawyer-who-advertises-on-TV appeared too slick--that is, if he appeared too much of an actor--the cynics in his television audience might accuse him of manufacturing all that empathy for effect. They'd say he was a fake!

But the empathy is for real. Do you see the way he’s staring into the camera with the concerned look of a doctor about to tell you that your cancer is malignant? “You’ve been injured,” he says, “and I can help.”

It’s at this moment that a star is born. It might be true his breathing seems a little bit unnatural, that his shirt collar doesn’t fit quite right around his neck--but does it really matter? “We are the lawyers who care,” he says, “and we’ll get you the compensation you deserve.” Do you see the way he seems to have grown three inches taller? Do you see the way his eyes have taken on the steely conviction of a gunfighter from the Old West, daring the evil insurance adjuster to meet him at high noon?   

How could anyone witness this performance and then be so feeble-minded as to select a lawyer from the Yellow Pages? No, it just won't happen. “Call us,” says the lawyer-who-advertises-on-TV. “We’re the lawyers for you.” How could anyone be blamed for believing it’s the truth? 

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Types of Lawyers #2: The Partner Who Talks Too Fast

Associates working in large law firms will immediately recognize the partner-who-talks-too-fast. From somewhere outside your door, he barks a command to meet him in his office. It doesn’t matter that you were about to leave for lunch. When you arrive with a notebook, he tells you to have a seat. He has something to say about the Smithkin matter. In fact, here’s what he’s thinking: He wants you to write a letter to the opposing counsel. It concerns something very important--critically important--about the upcoming expert disclosures.

So far, you’ve understood everything he’s said. But it’s only at this point that the partner-who-talks-too-fast begins to show his true colors. He clears his throat, shakes his head, closes his eyes. Then without taking a single breath, he describes to you, in complete sentences but without a single pause, everything that he wants you to write in the letter, which if you took it down verbatim would fill most of a single-spaced page. You, however, are only able to get the first line, which goes something like this: “Dear Mr. Aspin: I think it is appropriate that we meet at a mutually-agreeable time to discuss the deadlines for disclosing our respective liability and damage experts.” This much of the letter you are able to capture in your mind, in addition to a few other random, disconnected passages; by the time you set these passages down on paper, however, the partner-who-talks-too-fast has already concluded the final paragraph.

Is the partner's fast-talking the necessary result of a monumentally important man's extremely crowded schedule? Or is it merely a case of showing off? Does it really matter? For you, the problem is much worse: the partner-who-talks-too-fast has just dismissed you from his office, and you have no idea what he did or didn’t say, only that it was critically important.

Types of Lawyers #1: The Big Firm Summer Associate

There is a certain type of lawyer who is not a lawyer at all.  At best, he’s a fictional lawyer, a make-believe lawyer, a pretend lawyer.  Though skilled at imitating a lawyer in dress, language, and attitude, he is no more a lawyer than the miserable sad sack who’s failed the bar exam seven times.  If this type of lawyer offered legal advice to a corporate client, he would likely be sued; if he appeared in court to argue a motion, he would likely be arrested.

We call this sort of lawyer-who-isn’t-a-lawyer a “big firm summer associate.”  Although he is not a lawyer, he may in fact believe he’s a lawyer.  And why not?  Indeed, he is surrounded by enablers, who slap him on the back and take him to lunch and tell him he’s a regular Oliver Wendell Holmes.  It’s no wonder he’s deluded.  It’s no wonder that only one week into June, he’s answering the phone in a barking tone of voice; or that before the month is up, he’s yelling at his secretary in the public lobby.

But perhaps this snapshot isn’t fair.  In truth, who is deceiving whom?  Though it may seem these “big firm summer associates” stand naked before the world, tiny little lawyer-emperors without clothes, they are also collecting weekly paychecks as large as any lawyer’s, even larger, in fact, than three-quarters of the lawyers in all of Arkansas and Tennessee.  In the final analysis, that’s the point worth making.  Anyone who can scam the scammers as effectively as this—well, they deserve our unwavering praise, even if we wouldn’t want them reviewing our contracts.

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