It is with some reluctance that I bring you the following actual defense lawyer to-do list, which shines a light on a great many things that are better left in the darkness. So why publish it? First, there’s my sworn duty as a muckraking blawger to uphold; second, I feel obliged to restore the karmic balance of this blawg after having mocked plaintiffs’ lawyers with “The Trial Lawyer’s Prayer.”
Read the to-do list at your own risk, unless you are one of the following, in which case you should stop reading at once: a defense lawyer, the wife of a defense lawyer, or a federal judge (but only because you’re generally humorless; if this doesn’t describe you, please keep reading).
One Defense Lawyer’s To-Do List Upon
Returning from "Depositions" in “Iowa City, Iowa”
1. Check in with secretary; review mail.
2. Call opposing counsel on Ripside matter; apologize again for failing to show up at hearing.
3. Dial wife’s number; hang up during first ring.
4. Call florist; order flowers for wife.
5. Try again to get story straight in head; remember that you “lost” your cell phone and were “too busy to call"; also remember that while talking to wife, you should continually try to change subject to health and well-being of kids.
6. Dial wife’s number again; see above for story and strategy; explain for third time why "depositions" took two days longer than planned; keep contradictory facts straight by relying on lawyerly skills learned at great expense in law school.
7. Hang up with wife; breathe sigh of relief; suddenly “find” cellphone at bottom of garment bag.
8. Search jacket pocket for boarding pass with evidence of return trip from Las Vegas; rip boarding pass into very small pieces and place at bottom of shredding bin.
9. Reopen garment bag; examine black coat for strands of long blonde hair; remove two.
10. Call florist again; change order to roses.
11. Fend off feelings of guilt; remind yourself that others have done much worse; specifically recall certain scenes from movie Very Bad Things.
12. Tell secretary to hold calls while you try to get your head together.
13. Tell yourself you’ll feel much better once you’ve had some sleep.
14. Call buddy on 57th floor who “assisted” you with “depositions”; confirm that he is bound to silence by “Road Code.”
15. Remove unused $5 chip from pocket; place it on bookshelf to remind you later of good times.
16. Remember to seek return of ATM card, which 57th floor buddy took from you two nights ago “for your own good.”
17. Ponder again bad fortune that your good buddy failed to seize your credit cards.
18. Call buddy again; confirm specific meaning of “Road Code”; insure there are no exceptions.
19. Get secretary on phone; make sure no one from the firm’s compensation committee was looking for you while you were away.
20. Try to remember if any other partners more senior than you were depending on you for anything during the past week.
21. Remind yourself that you hate your partners; it was the stress they cause that forced you to go to “Iowa City, Iowa” for “depositions” in the first place.
22. Try to determine source of alcohol smell.
23. Make sure alcohol smell isn’t coming from skin pores.
24. Check breath by cupping hand; continue eating Altoids until tongue burns too badly to continue.
25. Check other clothes in garment bag for strands of hair; expand search to include hairs of all types and colors.
26. Try to get lyric from Grateful Dead’s Truckin’ unstuck from head; remind yourself you don’t know what reds are, hate Vitamin C, and have never used cocaine.
27. Fend off feelings of self-pity that sweep over you whenever you lie to yourself.
28. Contact IT department to see if it’s possible to change your e-mail address.
29. After reminding IT guy not to call you “dude,” confirm that spouses of partners do not have access to firm e-mail system.
30. Think about Joe Pesci’s character in Casino; think about Joe Pesci’s character in GoodFellas; assure yourself there’s no way you’re that bad.
31. Briefly consider changing your name.
32. Call buddy from 57th floor; have him come to your office to examine your back for strange marks.
33. Following examination, breathe sigh of relief.
34. Ignore good buddy’s reminder that he should really be checking your entire body; resolve to shower at health club for next two weeks.
35. Begin to relax some more in presence of good buddy.
36. Laugh with good buddy about other good buddy, who still hasn’t made it back.
37. Laugh again about that problem two nights ago; laugh harder and slap knee at thought that both of you are still alive.
38. Briefly stop laughing at thought of other buddy, who still hasn’t made it back.
39. Tell good buddy there is no one else like him.
40. On a complete whim, call secretary on speakerphone to ask about your schedule during the third week two months from now.
41. With good buddy still in office, begin planning next set of “depositions” in “Iowa City, Iowa.”
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