Take the Aeroplane, Then the Mystery Train

To the Federal Judges of the MDL Panel: As we discussed two weeks ago, I know you like to meet in trendy places like Sacramento, Santa Fe, and Washington, D.C. But as I've been telling you, I think it's about time you broke with tradition and held one of your MDL hearings in the federal courthouse closest to my office. That's the federal courthouse in East St. Louis, Illinois.

Since I never miss one of your .pdf memos to me, I know that you'll be together in Jacksonville, Florida, on March 23. Can you discuss my proposal then? Keep in mind, I fully understand why my proposal might worry you. It's quite possible that you learned everything you know about East St. Louis by watching the popular Chevy Chase vehicle, Vacation. But quite a bit has happened here since that movie was made. For example, we now have a 627-foot fountain called the “Gateway Geyser.” We’ve also got a casino. And it’s easy to get here, too: just take the airplane to St. Louis and hop on the “mystery train,” which will take you over the Mississippi River and directly to the courthouse. (Around here, we call that mystery train the Metrolink.)

Have I sold you on East St. Louis yet? I hope so.

(Concluding note to everyone but the seven federal judges of the MDL Panel: The title of this post contains references to two rock ‘n’ roll songs. The extra bonus reference was to make up for the fact that I was too cowardly to use the most appropriate title for this post, which was “the Magnificent Seven,” a song by the Clash. It fit, sure, but I absolutely refuse to mock our magnificent federal judiciary on this blawg. Teasing, sure. Lots of teasing. Teasing all day and all night. But mocking? Forget about it.)

Comments

[Grant McLoone]

Federal judges can legally pack heat in all US jurisdictions. Did you know that? Like FBI agents. No wonder they fear no East St. Louis.

[Evan]

I didn't know that. It's one more reason why I would never mock a federal judge.

On the other hand, your comment does raise the disturbing possibility that a future MDL hearing, in which seven judges take the bench in a ceremonial courtroom, might someday lead to a shootout or a gun battle. Although I am certain the MDL judges are all fast friends, minor disagreements have been known to quickly escalate. While some would say that this country needs more gun battles among federal judges, I respectfully dissent. I think that all federal judges should be disarmed at once while we still have the chance.

[aircraft parts]

I think that all federal judges should be disarmed at once while we still have the chance.