Advice to Federal Judges #1

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

On the way into work this morning, I hit and killed a possum. Because the traffic was still light (it was about 5:00 a.m.), I stopped and threw the possum into the back of my pickup, hoping to prevent an accident later in the day. However, it now occurs to me to ask: Can possums be cooked and eaten?

Yours sincerely,

Famished in Ft. Myers
United States District Court Judge
Middle District of Florida

Dear Famished:

Hah hah. You probably thought you could fool me into thinking you were really a federal judge. But you made a mistake: federal judges don’t drive pickup trucks. It just doesn’t happen. Another clue was the time you said you were driving to work. On the road at 5:00 a.m.? That’s also quite hard to believe about a federal judge.

So who are you really? My guess is that you are a state court judge posing as a federal judge. It also strikes me that you must be one of those jealous state court judges, the kind that likes to mock federal judges behind their backs.

Don’t you know it never pays to mock a federal judge? One of these days, all of us will have our turn to be hauled into federal court by an overzealous prosecutor experimenting with RICO charges. When your number’s up, do you want the judge to focus on your generally decent character, or the fact that you made fun of him in a letter to Evan Schaeffer?

I’m sure you see what I mean. But to answer your immediate question: Yes, possums can be eaten. Be sure to skin the possum first, taking care to remove its musk glands, which taste quite awful if bitten into accidentally. Next, place the skinned possum in a shallow baking dish and cook at very high heat under the broiler until it has the color and texture of blackened redfish. This will take about four hours. While broiling the possum, I also suggest basting it with a butter-salt-Accent mixture. Rotate and turn as needed.

Your dinner of roasted possum is best served with a side dish of collard greens. If you’re fresh out, scavenge around in the back of the pantry for some crackers. Then laissez les bons temps rouler!

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

Comments

[Beldar]

Reminds me of the recipe for cooking gar:

• Nail fish to long 2x4
• Submerge fish-end of 2x4 in caudron of boiling water.
• Boil until fish has completely dissolved. Remove 2x4 from cauldron; remove nail from 2x4.
• Dispose of cauldron's contents in EPA-approved hazardous waste dump.
• Salt and pepper 2x4 to taste and consume it with gusto.