Dear Mr. Schaeffer:
I’m an associate in a mid-size firm of about 500 lawyers. I work for a partner with a low-pitched, scratchy-sounding voice who occasionally leaves me research assignments on a voice-mail message. I think his voice sounds creepy. In fact, when I listen to his messages I sometimes get scared. What can I do?
Signed, Nervous in Nashville
Dear Nervous:
A problem with your firm’s voice-mail system is probably exaggerating the creepiness of the partner’s voice. Before you e-mail the office administrator, however, try comparing the partner’s recorded voice to his actual voice. This will require that you interact with the partner other than through voice mail. I suggest you stop by the partner’s office to find out (a) whether he’s the one who actually gave you the assignment and (b) whether his voice sounds as creepy as you remember.
If the creepy-sounding partner denies giving you the assignment, or if he doesn’t sound so creepy after all, you have an even bigger problem. It means that one your “buddies” is playing that old law firm game in which he assumes the identity of a partner and then calls you on the phone to give you fake research assignments, which in your hunger to succeed, you willingly complete on behalf of real clients. Hopefully, it hasn’t been going on for too long. You’ll know the jig is up when you’re called into a more senior lawyer’s office and summarily fired.
If upon meeting the partner in person, he admits to assigning you the work and has the scratchy-sounding voice you remember, your troubles still aren’t over. The scratchy voice, while nothing to fear in a horror-movie sense, is something that should concern you anyway. Very likely, it signifies the early stages of a serious condition, common these days among concerned citizens, that develops as a result of yelling very loudly at George Bush whenever he appears on TV. As you know, developments in Iraq have caused these TV appearances to occur much more often than in the past. It’s no wonder the partner scares you: George Bush scares him.
You might take the partner’s affliction as a chance to bond with him, perhaps by commenting that John Kerry’s chin really isn’t all that large, or by admitting to a fondness for books and movies by Michael Moore. Under no circumstances should you be critical of the partner for his irritation with George Bush. If you don’t understand what I mean, please feel free to call me on the phone. You had better do it soon, however, since my voice has been feeling very scratchy these past few months. In another week it will be totally useless. Think of it as democracy in action.
Your friend, Evan Schaeffer
Comments