Dear Mr. Schaeffer:
I’m the newest lawyer in a firm of twenty-five plaintiffs’ lawyers. Last night, I went drinking with the founding partner, Mr. McGill. As the night dragged on, Mr. McGill got drunker and drunker. At the last bar, he got up on a table, did a little jig, then jumped into the laps of a group of twenty-something party girls. (They weren’t pleased, but one of them gave me her number anyway.) About ten minutes later, we were escorted out of the bar by three large bouncers. When the bouncers pushed Mr. McGill onto the street, he literally fell into a gutter.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Springing into action, I asked Mr. McGill to put his arms around my neck. Then I pulled him up. His breath smelled awful, but I didn’t care. In fact, I almost kissed him. “Young man,” I heard him say, “you’re a Godsend. And tonight’s your lucky night. I’m making you a partner.”
When I got to work the next day, Mr. McGill had already departed for his yearly trip to Italy without mentioning my promotion to the other partners. Although I want to tell them, I’m wondering whether it would be better to wait until Mr. McGill returns. It seems like the most prudent way to go, but I’m anxious to get a better parking space. What do you think?
Signed, Buying-a-BMW in Birmingham
Dear Buying-a-BMW:
Do you remember that day in contracts class, probably around the third week of your 1L year, when your professor had a discussion about what happens when the parties to a contract have been drinking? If you remember that day at all, you'll realize that the law of contracts just isn't going to help you. To make the most of the position in which Mr. McGill left you, you're going to have to resort to blackmail.
By mentioning blackmail, do I mean that you should call Mr. McGill in Italy and threaten to disclose his drunken rampage unless he sticks to his promise of partnership? Of course not. If he’s like the founding partners of most plaintiffs’ firms, incidents such as his fall from a table and his brief repose in a gutter probably happen to him all the time. He might even be under the impression that a scandal such as the one you might threaten to reveal would be good for his reputation.
You need to think outside the box, as the management gurus like to say. First of all, there’s no way you’re going to be made a partner. Even if Mr. McGill was willing to stand by his word, the other lawyers in the firm would never allow it. Try moving back a step. Ask yourself whether there are any other targets for your blackmail. Remember the young woman you mentioned, the one who gave you her phone number? Since you're undoubtedly the last person in the world she wants to hear from, why not blackmail her? Simply call her on the phone and threaten to give her phone number to Mr. McGill unless she agrees to go on a date with you.
If the young woman’s number is a fake, as it probably is, you should consider the entire episode a lesson in what happens when you try to cut corners in making partner. Rather than corner-cutting, why not impress your bosses with some good old-fashioned hard work? Once you put in a minimum of twenty to thirty years, I suspect you'll be made a partner in no time.
Your friend, Evan Schaeffer
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