Are You Suffering? Do You Need Help? Do You or a Loved One Need a Lawyer from Minnesota?

As a card-carrying plaintiffs’ lawyer, I’m a little miffed that I didn’t get the memo from the other members of the grand cabal telling me that we’re now advertising our services based on the model of a Chinese menu. Instead, I had to find out about the change in strategy from a Minnesota lawyer named James E. Rolshouse, who ran a Chinese-menu ad last week in the Alton Telegraph, my local paper.

The ad contained A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERING and notified readers and their loved ones that Mr. Rolshouse is accepting clients who are suffering from--

Complications from heart bypass, stent or aneurysm surgery;

Complications from Lasik surgery;

Diseases such as heart disease, cancer, kidney damage, or Parkinson’s Disease caused by welding; and

All serious injuries caused by the ingestion of Paxil, Baycol, Crestor, Zyprexa, or Neurontin.

The ad was divided into four parts, ran from the top to the bottom of the page, and contained a large photo of an old man breathing through an oxygen mask. It seemed like a clever and effective ad, but there’s a concern I would have expressed if I had received the memo: What about people who don't read the newspaper? Isn’t there some way to reach out to people at nursing homes, churches, and community centers who are just generally suffering and in need of help and WANT SOME MONEY DAMAGES?

But wait! Mr. Rolshouse had thought of this too. It was toward the bottom of the ad in a little box, and it said: “CLIP AND SAVE. Please take this notice and post it in your nursing home, church, community center or anywhere that it may reach people who are suffering and need help.”

What a good idea! A Chinese-menu advertisement that can be posted everywhere! I was so inspired, in fact, that I posted it here. But now I’m wondering: What should I advertise for in my Chinese-menu ad?