Advice to Families of Lawyers #3

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

With only minor exceptions, I am a perfect husband. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my wife. She happens to be lawyer. A few years ago, I had the misfortune of coming home late at night in a very good mood. As I explained later to the marriage counselor, the good mood had nothing to do with where I was or what went on while I was there. I was in a good mood simply because I was happy to see my wife. Was she happy to see me? Of course not. Even though I was more-or-less sober and my shirt was completely tucked in, she started to cross-examine me. My wife’s quite a cross-examiner. She’s written at least four articles for national legal publications on topics like “Controlling the Difficult Witness.” You can probably guess what happened. For a minute or two, I was doing fine. Then I stumbled on a question. I think it was this one: “Where have you been?” For a moment, my mind went blank and I couldn't answer. Things haven’t been the same between us since.

Here’s my problem. Tomorrow night I’m going to a friend’s bachelor party. My wife’s already suspicious because it’s my friend’s third marriage and he’s “too old for bachelor parties.” Needless to say, I don’t agree. Hell, I’m only 46. Since I plan to be out very late and it’s possible my wife will be waiting up for me when I return, I wonder if you could give me some lawyerly tips for standing up to the intense cross-examination I just know is coming. Or should I just get my bags packed ahead of time?

Signed, Ready-to-Party in Portland

Dear Ready-to-Party:

First of all, I’m sorry your marriage is in such a shambles. Although I feel bad about giving you advice that will allow you to get the better of your wife, I’ll go ahead and answer your question, but on one condition: that you keep out of trouble tomorrow night and do your best to return home by 6 a.m.

So what should you do? If I were present as your lawyer at the cross-examination, I would interpose a lot of objections to slow down the pace of the proceeding. This would allow you to think for a moment before answering your wife’s questions. Since I can’t be there for you in person, you’ll have to interpose the objections yourself. Do this as follows. First, register your objection to the forum in which the cross-examination is scheduled to proceed—I’m guessing it’s the foyer of your home—by sneaking in through the back door. Next, register an objection to the time the cross-examination is scheduled to begin by taking a quick shower, which will clear your mind to prepare you for what’s about to happen. Next, register an objection to your wife’s exercise of personal jurisdiction by turning and walking in the opposite direction whenever you see her approaching. When she finds you, turn and go the other way; when she finds you again, repeat.

This will work for quite awhile. Sooner or later, however, you’ll take a wrong turn and get backed into a corner. At this point, you should register an objection that your wife is being abusive to the witness. Tell her that she won’t let you choose the manner of entry into your own home, that she won’t let you exercise your right to personal hygiene, that she won’t stay out of your way when you’re walking around the house, and so on. If the objection on the grounds of abusiveness works, it will have the effect of putting your wife on the defensive, meaning you’re well on the way to making the discussion about her and not you. But it probably won’t work. If not, you’ll have to start to making general objections. Just wait for your wife to ask you a question, then say, “I object!” If she asks the basis for your objection, say, “I object!” Continue saying “I object!” until she finally comes to recognize, once and for all, that she’s totally insane for having a dolt like you for a husband.

Anyway, good luck, and do a couple of beer bongs for me!

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer

Related posts:

1. Advice to Families of Lawyers #1 (My Dad's Gone Crazy)

2. Advice to Families of Lawyers #2 (A Botched Nose Job)

3. The "Advice" Category--all advice posts

Comments

[David Giacalone]

Sounds like you're creating business for your divorce lawyer friends, Evan -- and poisoning the waters to kill any hope of mediation.

With advice like this, it's no wonder there are too many lawsuits in Mad County.

[yclipse]

If you go blank and are unable to answer when your wife asks where you've been, you are toast, my friend. A good trial lawyer can always come up with a good story on the spot, and make it convincing.