How to Feed a Lawyer (and Other Irreverent Observations from the Legal Underground)

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Young Associate

What is this "weekend" of which you speak?


Be careful what you wish for. While your firm might have a don't ask don't tell policy about extra-curricular relationships between lawyers and support staff, few firms would allow you to keep Denise banging away at her desk, when it becomes undeniable that you're banging away at home. Remember, you can always get a new wife. It's not that easy to get a good secretary.


There is nothing to be gained from hanging with your secretary, or any other secretary. Make friends with other lawyers, or even paralegals and the librarian. But do not, under any circumstance, socialize with the secretaries. They will destroy your life by innuendo.

And it is a very tough practice to defend to your wife, who you do not need to piss off whether or not you are going to divorce her.

Jim Husen (Christian Lawyer)

It has been my practice since I got married to never have lunch with another woman alone. The inference others, including my wife, reasonably draw from my having lunch or doing any other activity exclusively with a person of the opposite is inescapable.

It is also well known among leaders that there are certain types of people who are attracted to power and live for the day that they can snare one in a compromising position. The motive is not entirely or willfully avaricious but the effect is the same. Kobe Bryant, I think, would advice any married man not to play with fire (See Proverbs 6:27).


Kobe Bryant wasn't having lunch with another woman; he was getting room service.


I might note that attitudes like Jim Husen's create barriers for women in the profession. (For similar reasons, it bothers me when partners talk with associates in the bathroom; women attorneys don't get the same quality of those opportunities as men.)


Jim is absolutely right, why, everyday I meet secretaries who are after nothing more than my power and my money. Evil incarnate! They are everywhere! Avert your eyes!

Why, even the *thought* of having lunch with those vile, vile creatures is enough to make one want to gouge one's eyes out with a fork! Think about it... they sit there, looking like they are tying up that client letter or correcting the math on your billing statement... but really, secretly, they're planning the day they can seduce you into lunch, knowing full well it's the first step to that long, downward spiral that leads to you betraying your marital vows because of your weakness and pitiful desires of the flesh.

You don't stand a chance! They are all powerful schemers and plotters, while we, the weak and powerless prey can do nothing to stop them. Wait! There is a solution! Fire them!! Eliminate the temptation all together!!! Quick, call that hell spawn into your office right now and tell them, "Greg, we need to talk."

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