Exp. Lawyer: So, kid. What’s the topic today? Trial lawyers?
Law Student: Willie Gary and Dickie Scruggs. I see you didn’t bring your cigars today.
Exp. Lawyer: I gave them up. New Years and all that. So, Willie Gary and Dickie Scruggs. Two rich trial lawyers. If that’s the topic, kid, I’ll put it to you straight--I can’t stand the bastards.
Law Student: Really? One of my professors said they’re creative and daring legal thinkers.
Exp. Lawyer: You believe your law professors? Kid, you are wet behind the ears. The problem with Willie Gary and Dickie Scruggs—or any other successful trial lawyer, for that matter—is that they’re from the wrong side of the tracks. There’s an upper crust in this country, kid, and it’s there for a good reason. Guys like Willie Gary and Dickie Scruggs don’t belong. They’re from dirt-poor families, both of them. Of course, they’ve gone on to become gazillionaires. But reason backwards, kid. If the poor folks are striking it rich, it must be way too easy to make money as a trial lawyer. The system’s broken and it needs to be fixed.
Law Student: You mean tort reform.
Exp. Lawyer: Exactly, kid. You know where Willie Gary and Dickie Scruggs went to law school?
Law Student: Where?
Exp. Lawyer: I guarantee you it wasn’t Harvard or Yale.
:Law Student: And that proves what?
Exp. Lawyer: Don’t get smart with me, kid. It proves my point.
Law student: Is it possible that you’re just envious of their wealth and success?
Exp. Lawyer: Envious? Hell no. Kid, I’m embarrassed. And frankly, I need a cigar. I’ll blow the smoke the other way. Let me put it to you this way: those two bozos with all their money make the rest of us lawyers look bad.
Law Student: Just because of their money?
Exp. Lawyer: You just don’t get it, do you, kid? It’s all about the money. That’s why the tort reformers are such geniuses. I’ll make it simple for you. Take Joe Sixpack—that is, your typical overweight, football-loving, beer-drinking semi-illiterate moron. There are two kinds of people in this world who Joe Sixpack doesn’t like—one, rich people and two, lawyers. Put them together and Joe Sixpack really blows a fuse, especially when you tell him that underneath it all, the trial lawyers are really nothing but big boobs like he is. It works, kid. You take a couple of lawyers like Gary and Scruggs and you hold them up to public scrutiny—talk about them in newspapers, remind people how rich they are like it's some sort of secret, call them “greedy.” Then tell Joe Sixpack that there’s only one way to stop them, and that’s with tort reform. Genius, huh? At that point, Joe Sixpack is so mad that he’d cut off his own arm to stop the trial lawyers. Let me tell you, kid. It works.
Law Student: Even though it’s Joe Sixpack, as you put it, who stands to lose the most from tort reform?
Exp. Lawyer: That’s exactly why the "make 'em hate them" strategy is so brilliant! But don’t get all uptight about it, kid. Didn’t they teach you in college that the end justifies the means? The end is tort reform. Besides, until these boobs like Willie Gray and Dickie Scruggs have been admitted to the country clubs like the one my father and my grandfather and my great-grandfather all belonged to—and that’s never going to happen, believe me—the greedy trial lawyers have no business making dime one in the legal business.
Law Student: But without them, who’s going to represent their clients—Joe Sixpack, say, the guy who’s been injured or defrauded and needs to take on the big corporations? Whose going to represent the little guy?
Exp. Lawyer: The little guy? You bleeding hearts really crack me up. Who cares who’s going to represent the little guy? Certain people just don’t matter as much as others. Do you understand what I’m saying? Now, about the rest of the afternoon. Ready for a drink?
Law Student: Sorry, but I’ve got some reading to do. Have a couple for me and I'll catch you next time.
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I have a client that is a defendant in a case filed by Willie Gary. Despite the fact that my defendant is not the big target in this one, his record puts a different perspective on the case. When he is flying in one of his jets, do you think he really worries about the country club memberships?
Posted by: dcnesq | January 20, 2005 at 09:55 AM
Thank you for my monthly Willie Gary fix.
Does Dickie Scruggs have a plane with a gold-plated sink? Are there pictures?
Posted by: Steve | January 20, 2005 at 11:23 PM
Even though it’s Joe Sixpack, as you put it, who stands to lose the most from tort reform?
Of course, it's Joe Sixpack who stands to gain the most from tort reform in terms of lower prices and greater economic opportunity. Those born wealthy or who have fungible skills beyond rent-seeking in a particular jurisdiction are better situated to avoid the problems created by an economy made sclerotic by the predations of trial lawyers. An unskilled or manufacturing worker who's one of the tens of thousands of people who lost his or her job because of abusive asbestos litigation is probably not so well-situated.
Who is going to represent the little guy? Certainly not the trial lawyers, who represent themselves first, and then the little guy only when a particular little guy is a means to that end. If the little guy is a small business fighting off extortionate slip-and-fall or employment litigation where winning costs more than settling for the plaintiff's demand, it's not the trial lawyers who are on the side of the loser-pays reform that will make the difference between staying in business and not. If the little guy is someone who would be better off or happier with a sub-prime mortgage or a morning-sickness cure, it's the trial lawyers fighting to keep these options from the little guy.
Posted by: Ted | January 18, 2006 at 05:42 AM