Advice to Families of Lawyers #7

Editor's Note: Julie Bogarty last wrote to the Legal Underground on January 21. According to Julie, her best friend’s father, Judge McIntyre, had disappeared just before the start of a big class action trial. Julie was worried not only about Judge McIntyre, but also about her father, one of the lawyers representing the plaintiffs. Although he wasn’t missing, he was acting very odd. This week Julie’s back with an update on her situation.

Dear Mr. Schaeffer:

It seems I’ve traded one set of problems for another. First of all, you were right that Judge McIntyre would probably turn up. Apparently, the lawyers on the class action reached a settlement at the last minute and the judge took a quick vacation to Canada. Or so he says. Actually, it was all on the spur of the moment and he didn’t tell anyone, not even his family. Believe me, I’m suspicious about what really happened, and someday I’m going to get to the bottom of it. But right now my bigger problem is Heather.

I’m sure you remember Heather. She’s the stripper at the Blue Light. Only we’re not allowed to call her a stripper. In fact, we can’t even call her an exotic dancer. We’re supposed to call her an entertainer—between you and me, if you call her anything else, she bursts into tears. Anyway, it seems that while this class action was getting ready for trial during the past two months, a lot of businessmen in fancy suits were hanging around town. I thought they looked suspicious, so I asked my dad about them. He said they were “tort reformers.” He told me he didn’t have time to explain what they did—just that he wanted them to “get the hell out of town.” He also warned me to stay away from them.

For the record, my dad didn’t really need to tell me that—those guys looked creepy. As it happened, though, some of the “tort reformers” were spending a lot of time at the Blue Light, and one of them got to know Heather very well. I mean, very well. According to Heather, they’re engaged to be married.

I find it all very baffling—she’s only 19, for God’s sake. And she’s a stripper. But I’ll keep an open mind, at least until you answer two questions: What exactly is a tort reformer? And do you think it’s okay if Heather gets married to one?

Sincerely, Julie Bogarty

Dear Julie:

What is a tort reformer?  If society were an anthill, tort reformers would be a type of ant. I understand that’s not very helpful, so let me continue with the analogy. If the ants were divided into owner ants and worker ants, tort reformers would be aligned with the owner ants. But it wouldn’t be all that obvious. Why not? Because the tort-reformer ants would dress like the worker ants, talk like the worker ants, and hang around on the outside of the anthill smoking cigarettes like the worker ants. Meanwhile, as they smoked the cigarettes, the tort-reformer ants would be all chummy with the worker ants. They’d pat them on the back and say they cared about them. But they wouldn’t care about them. Not really. Remember, the tort-reformer ants are shilling for the owner ants. What happens next? In most anthills, the worker ants regularly get hurt doing dangerous antwork—an ant might suffer a smashed antennae, for example, caused by an evil owner ant’s decision to cut corners on ant safety. To you, a smashed antennae might not sound like a big deal, but it could very well make it impossible for the ant to work in the anthill ever again. Naturally, the worker ant would want to sue the owner ant. At this point, the tort-reformer ant would spring into action. He’d start yapping away about personal-ant-responsibility, stage a press conference to call the lawsuit frivolous, and get InstaAnt to write a bunch of favorable webant posts. Finally, he’d arrange a secret meeting with the Queen Ant to establish a law making it impossible to sue owner ants except in the Queen Ant's own court.

Now do you understand? Maybe not, and that's why you should probably just forget about the ants. They were a bad idea. The important thing for you to remember is that if the particular tort reformer that Heather is going to marry likes to hang out in strip clubs, he can’t be all that bad. Although the fact that he wants to marry an “entertainer” makes me question his judgment, it’s possible he’s just talking out of both sides of his mouth—that is, saying one thing (“I’m going to marry you”) while meaning exactly the opposite (“I’m going to find a way to have you all to myself for free for awhile, and then up and leave you in the middle of the night.”) In other words, just because this particular tort reformer hangs out in strip clubs doesn’t necessarily mean you can trust him all the way. Tort reformers can be very slippery and hard to read like that.

After thinking about it a little more, I think I'm going to take Heather’s side. My advice to her is to run from the tort reformer as fast as she can, while making sure to leave some sort of dangerous barrier in her path that will cause him to slip, fall, and break his insect-like face on the pavement. That ought to teach him. And it might make him better looking, too.

Your friend, Evan Schaeffer   

Related posts:

1. Advice to Young Lawyers #10 (Marrying a Doctor's Daughter)

2. Advice to Young Lawyers #18 (Young Lawyers on the Run)

3. The "Advice" Category--all previous advice posts

Comments

[ambimb]

"get InstaAnt to write a bunch of favorable webant posts."

That just cracks me up! Let's all call him InstaAnt from now on, shall we? Oh, but the tort reformers wouldn't need to "get" InstaAnt to spring into action; I'm sure he'd fall over himself with righteous indignation all on his own. That's the beauty of these tort reform ants -- they do all work together so well to keep the Queen Ant(s) fat and happy.

Have you been watching "Ants" or something? That's a totally socialist movie, you know, so it would be appropriate b/c anti-tort reformers are really commies.

[Ted]

I'm curious why you think InstaAnt is all that critical to the tort reform movement. The record shows otherwise.

[Evan]

Ted: I'm off to work, but I promise to explore your link later. Perhaps I should have said "Ted Frank at OverAnted," but it didn't have quite the same ring.

[Eh Nonymous]

Upon review of the evidence, I would agree with Ted.

InstaAnt is not, in fact, an automatic supporter of tort reform.

I would note, in passing, that InstaAnt _is_ in fact a supporter (and thus attention-focuser) for certain points of view politically aligned with tort reform, even while holding nuanced and intelligent views on what's right and wrong with tort reform, litigation, insurance companies and other topics.

He's certainly not an OverAnted, for example. OA may get letters urging them to be critical of corporate lawfirm abuse of the process, but I'll believe they evenhandedly criticize right, left, and center; plaintiff _and_ defense; injured victim (whether of accident or malice) and accused; and rich and poor equally when I see evidence of it.