THE STANKOWSKI REPORT #13: Ten Things You'll Need to Work 70-Hour Weeks

by Stan Stankowski

So, as was evident from the motion I filed here yesterday, I have been quite busy as of late. Fortunately, Evan, like most judges in my experience, rubber-stamped my request for an extension.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been absolutely swamped with work. Which brings to mind an interesting observation. In most jobs, when someone says something to the effect of “Wow, I have barely slept and am absolutely about to pass out. I have worked [40, 60, 70] hours in the last three days," said (yeah, I know, isn’t this terrible legal writing) person is looking for sympathy. Indeed, they will get it. Their co-workers will reply by saying, “Wow, I can’t believe that you need some time off,” or “I can’t believe you put up with that." Here, when I say something like that I neither want nor receive sympathy. Instead, I am sending the message that I am getting my hours in for the month.  Co-workers know this and are pleased for you, and the conversation proceeds as follows:

Stan: “Wow, I have billed [40, 60, 70] in the last four days.”

Co-worker: “Awesome dude, good hours. No worries this month.”

Braggadocio? Possible. Affirmation for the stupid behavior from my peers? Also possible. Nonetheless, such is life.

The point is that as an associate, you too will have to deal with these sorts of long weeks, and strangely, those kind of hours begin to feel validating and necessary. Trust me, it happens. However, working that much around other people requires supplies.  Every associate needs these supplies, whether he (universal he, this is English lameass, and “em” is not a word) thinks this is the case or not. Here is a list of ten things you'll need for working a 70-hour week--

(1) Stimulants.  I suggest Ginseng. Cocaine? Just too risky. Caffeine? Not effective enough. Adderol? This is akin to steroids for lawyers and I do not think it is fair. (And no, you do not have ADD, and yes, you are still just taking speed, so don’t try to justify it.)

(2)  At least six pairs of underwear. Look, you just do not have time to do laundry, and you have to rely on a stockpile at this point in your life. Go to Target and spend the money. It’s like 15 bucks. It will serve you well. No white standard briefs, no bikinis, nothing weird. [Does not apply to women, who, by and large, are already covered in this area.]

(3) In the same line, a minimum of ten t-shirts. I suggest white under dress shirts t-shirts. I have heard the “If you wear high quality dress shirts you don’t need em’,” the “they are uncomfortable and I don’t like to wear them” and the “Clark Gable didn’t wear them and neither do I" theories. Grow up. You will look like a tool without them.

(4) Knowledge of the half Windsor Knot. This speaks for itself.

(5) Gum. I didn’t chew gum a lot either. However, there are many a time when you will be nodding off in a deposition or an arbitration and gum can save the day. The whole “it’s all right as along as I don’t snore, even though my head is bobbing up and down every thirty seconds” theory ended when some company started paying you to sit there.

(6) A desire for salad. There are a lot of lunches at fancy places involved in the 70-hour week. You cannot have the hamburger, or even the braised chicken with fresh vegetables every day at lunch and maintain your weight. You just cannot. Salads.

(7) Pens. Not ballpoint. Maybe one Mont Blanc to whip out occasionally. Otherwise, just raid the supply room for fine points. (Tip: Better yet, have the secretary do it, it saves time and money.) These things are like the SAT’s, there is always one guy who forgot a writing instrument. Help him out and he will help you later. Really.

(8) A complete lack of expressive emotion unless you want it to be there. Think of it as poker. Don’t let em get to you, unless you want them to think that they have. Then overreact.

(9) A BlackBerry. Everyone else has them. If you cannot check it and pretend something important just came in and you have to take a moment to reply to the urgent email form your firm that immediately requires your attention, then you are obviously not a capable lawyer.

(10) About 5,000 legal pads. Since you are important, you will have to write things. On multiple pads. (Exception, if you are a partner, then you can sit there with your eyes closed.)  [Tip: Don’t really take notes, instead, play the dot game with counsel to your right.  Counsel to your left is obviously weak and foolish and you cannot afford to be seen associating with him.]

That about does it. Enjoy your 70-hour weeks, they are “good hours,” and they “put you in the mix.” How can that be bad?

About the Author: Stan Stankowski is the pseudonym of a first-year associate working in a litigation firm somewhere in the South. For more details, read his introductory post, as well as Evan Schaeffer's introduction. The collected Stankowski Reports are here.

Comments

[Yeoman]

You forgot one thing, fear.

Your partners, or coworkers, will provide that.

"70 hours? Good old Smith is working 80 hours?"

"70 hours? Gee, Simpson only worked that and now is out the door, not that this would apply to you?"

"70 hours? Alright! Glad you are busy too, I worked 90 hours this week. Jones said at least one associate around here was getting his time in."

"70 hours? I heard the new requirement was 80 hours."

[Eh Nonymous]

"Oh, you hadn't heard? They boosted the quota to 9100 hours a year... but that's really the bare minimum. Nobody likes someone who only does the minimum..."

(for those who are bad at math: 25 x 7 x 52 = 9100)

[Kate]

70 hours sucks, I totally agree with you on that, but when I was a corporate paralegal I often worked 80-100 hour weeks. There are a few other things you need:

1) Extra toilet kit with deoderent. Fortunately the firm had a shower you could use so if you took the shower, had a change of underwear and some toothpaste you were good to go.

2) Screw the t-shirt. Gym cloths. When I am in the office at 3am doing whatever I am going to be comfortable. I want yoga pants and a tank top with a sweatshirt. No one ever complains. I change back into the suit when the sun comes up.

3) Pillow and blanket. Seriously. On corporate deals you are often waiting for documents to be returned from proofing or duplicating. Many partners had nice comfy couches in their offices. I would take my blankie and pillow and hunker down. That, or the couch cusions in the ladies bathroom couch came off. I would place them in my office on the floor and put the phone next to my head. You need to get any sleep you can.

4) Wasabi peas. They'll wake you up.

[Stan]

Kate,

Clearly you are insane. I would never agree to do that as an attorney much less a paralegal.

Maybe it is just good that I am not transactional.

[The Sardonic Lawyer]

A few more things you'll need to survive:

(1) Willingness to bill secretary/paralegal time as your own. I once worked for a firm where an upper-level associate was on vacation in the Bahamas one week as still billed 40 hours of time, based on his secretary opening his mail.

(2) Ability to double-bill. Try working on one client's case while traveling for another client, or take your laptop along to some depositions and work on a few documents while your there.

(3) "Value billing" opportunities. The more often you can tell a secretary to generate discovery by searching-and-replacing party names, then bill 3.0 hours for it, the better. Cf. "Willingness to bill secretary/paralegal time as your own," above.

Now, The Sardonic Lawyer realizes that some attorneys either can't or won't take advantage of one or more of the above (although, if you would take advantage of one, The Sardonic Lawyer does not see a logical reason why you wouldn't take advantage of all three since they are equivalent from an ethical perspective, and to paraphrase Martin Luther: if you're going to sin, sin boldly). For those of you in the can't/won't camp, there's still hope. You may survive a year or two, then go to a firm with more realistic expectations. You may be involved in a traumatic accident, which either alters your neurological makeup so you no longer require sleep, or leaves you disabled so you can continue working for the firm with lowered hours and no fear of being fired because of the protections afforded by the ADA (Note: this does not apply if you are in the 5th Circuit). You may discover some information useful for blackmailing one or more partners. Or, if all else fails, you may work yourself to death (I believe the Japanese call this karoshi) relatively early in the process, sparing yourself untold hours of fear, loathing, and misery.

[Kate]

Stan,

It was the go-go 90s and I was paid time and a half. In addition, for every 19 hours straight I worked I got an extra day off. It meant I was able to take 3 and a half weeks off when I got married and went on my honeymoon.

I would never do it now on any kind of regular basis. But it does still come up on occasion.

[mythago]

I assume #4 does not apply to women either? (But we do need to stock up on pantyhose.)

[Anon]

Can I ask an honest question please--is working 70 hours per week a realistic figure? Do lawyers really work that much at the major law firms? I can't imagine how a human being can sustain those kind of hours for 50 weeks. I hope it's only occasionally, or that you're pulling our leg, and that the real average is closer to 40-50? Say it ain't so . . .

[Stan]

Anon,

It goes up and down a little bit. Usually one week a month will be more like 50. Of course, the next week may well be 90. So, hard to say.