THE STANKOWSKI REPORT #21: A Field Guide to Law-Firm Personalities, Part 2

by Stan Stankowski

In this report, I'll continue my earlier effort to provide some insight into the people who typically work at law firms.

Type: Paralegal Who Flunked Out of Law School
Frequency: In reality pretty rare, but the presence of one makes you think that there are hundreds.
Details: Paralegals are great. Really. Most of them are extremely helpful and a valuable time savior. However, the paralegal that flunked out of law school is not really a paralegal. He/She is a pseudo lawyer. 
Perks: They generally know how to use Westlaw  to pull cases.
Negatives: Imagine a lawyer who is really, really pissed off all of the time. Now, imagine that same lawyer in the same environment, except take away his law degree, half his salary and make him spend every waking moment with lawyers. Sound fun?

Type: Guy Who Made Partner About Two or Three Years Ago
Frequency: Not endangered, but not common.
Details: This is generally a very cool guy. If you are lucky, you will not be the one who he has chosen to yell at in order to prove that he is a partner. You will not be that person if you are even moderately socially competent or are a pretty girl.
Perks: They are generally a lot more laid back then older partners. In a way, they are still trying to be cool with the working class. However, this is like an associate trying to strike up a genuine friendship with the guy who takes out the trash; there is nothing obvious stopping you, it's just really awkward.
Negatives: Don’t make them mad. Ever. 

Type: Really Weird Brand New Associate
Frequency: Rare.
Details: Yeah, I know, a lot of brand new associates are weird, but I don’t mean “attorney” weird, I mean “thiiiis-close-to-being-committed” weird. They are rare simply because people with this sort of personality rarely get jobs. At large law firms they slip through the cracks.
Perks: Most people will have no patience with them. This is fine. Befriend them, and they will do work for you. Incessantly. They do not have any reason to ever leave the office. Except for Stargate: SG-1. 
Negatives: They get fired in about six months. When it happens you feel bad …. but not really.

Type: That Guy in the File Room
Frequency: One per file room.
Details: I can’t really tell you. Does he actually file? Does he live in there? Why does he always jump six feet when somebody walks in the file room, even though there are already four people in there? Why does he unplug his computer if you walk up behind him? Is the power button not fast enough?
Perks: I have never seen one actually file anything, or even retrieve a file; however, if you ask him to file something or to retrieve a file, then it will happen. Whether it is the file room guy or his well-trained rat army, I can’t say.
Negatives: Possibly hiding bodies under a stack of securitization files.

About the Author: Stan Stankowski is the pseudonym of a first-year associate working in a litigation firm somewhere in the South. For more details, read his introductory post, as well as Evan Schaeffer's introduction. The collected Stankowski Reports are here.