How to Feed a Lawyer (and Other Irreverent Observations from the Legal Underground)

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Good advice. Except:
DO-Understand that, if you are going to a client facility of any kind, be it a warehouse, office building or plant, that client’s employees are scared and do not want to talk to you. They are all under the impression that if a lawyer talks to them then they are soon to be fired. This does sometimes happen, but not usually. So try to placate them a little.

This can create a tremendous ethical violation if you leave the employee with the impression that you're an attorney for the employee, rather than an attorney for the company, and the employee ends up adverse to the company over something he or she has told you.

DON’T- Expect that you are going to some exotic locale. It is very likely that you will not.

I've never understood why warehouses in New York are supposed to be so much more interesting than warehouses in Wichita. I loved visiting small-town America, myself; I'd never have an excuse to go to Wichita or Tulsa or Duluth or St. Louis or Minneapolis or Fresno or Sacramento or Coudersport or Atlanta or Raleigh or San Diego or Denver or Phoenix or Marion if not for far-flung litigation.


Ted: I'll accept that to you bigshots in the East, Duluth and Tulsa and and Marion and even St. Louis might be "small-town America" . . . but Atlanta and San Diego and Denver and Phoenix? Wow.


Ted's benefactors/clients are high end corporate types. If it ain't Manhattan, it's nowhereseville. Unless there is a golf course.


"DO-Pack toothpaste. This seems like a basic thing that every hotel would have in the bathroom. This is apparently not the case. It is very possible that they have some at the front desk, but things will pop up. The result, frustration. Save yourself some time and just put it in your bag."

I keep in my closet a small bag packed with toiletries (toothbrush, hotel-size shampoo, razor' etc. and basic first-aid equipment (band-aids, headache medicine, etc). When I go on a trip I throw the bag in a suitcase and so don't forget any sundries.


DO- Go to nearest college campus while wearing a suit and tie (slightly loosened). Stroll into bar and begin drinking. Tell college chicks you are a lawyer, you are from out of town working on a really imprtant case for -- insert Fortune 50 corporation here --. Mention that you drive a car manufactured by a luxury car brand. Get the girls drunk. Sleep with them (preferably at their place so you can escape early in the morning or in the middle of the night). Repeat at different bar the next day.


Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your


Morrissey's advice works especially well if you're a girl. Just change "loosen tie" to "unbutton an extra blouse button," and be sure to wear nice stockings.



If thats what you are after, I don't think you have to take Morrisey's advice. Instead, you can do the following: (1) live in a trailer; (2) fail to graduate high school; (3) fail to bath for two weeks (though you should cover this with some sort of perfume); (4) roll out of bed; (5) put on last week's sweatsuit; (5) stumble into any bar in the world; and (6)say hello to some guy.

Guranteed you will get laid 98% of the time. No fancy lawyer tricks needed.


Crass, Stan, very crass - but true! The only possible reply to this is that any woman would only have to do (5) and (6) and it would still be true. No fancy trailer-park living required.

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