Flattering Judges: The Next Steps
When Part 1 of this guide concluded, I left you sitting in a bar next to a judge who, because of your skillful flattery, was already feeling very good about himself.
You’d engaged him in conversation, laughed at his jokes, even complimented him on being a hard worker.
So what’s next? As you find yourself settling in for a long afternoon of trying to stay awake during the judge’s “war stories,” what’s the best way to keep your waterfall of judicial adulation flowing at full strength?
According to some commentators, it’s now time to offer the judge an expensive gift.
Should you give the judge an expensive gift?
The judge is drinking single-malt Scotch? You might tell him that tomorrow, you’ll be sending
an entire case of Glenmorangie to his chambers. The judge’s shirt is hopelessly stained? You might tell him that next week, you’re setting him up with your tailor,
all expenses paid.
You’ll be surprised to learn I don’t agree with this approach. The trouble with giving judges expensive gifts is that it seems too much like bribery. You’re not seeking a bar complaint, remember, much less an opportunity to rub elbows with Dickie Scruggs; you’re merely trying to make a judge see you in a new light, so that he thinks twice the next time he’s about to throw a file at you, or call you a moron in open court, or hold you in contempt because you’ve forgotten to show up a third time for the hearing on your opponent's motion to dismiss.
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